Lets see... both of us were 18/19 years old, huge nerds, virgins, and while I'm a jew she's an athiest catholic schoolgirl. I'm already for some reason "allergic" to this girl. As in red watery eyes, runny nose, cramps allergic just from being NEAR her but being my first real girlfriend I have no clue what is going on and just figure i'm allergic to some product she or her parents use (or her cat).
Now, I'm good at massages and she's apparently at least as horny as I am and being a nerd not afraid to admit it in her own way, which leads to her getting a handjob and some head for an
hour before getting off. We try to go further but I can't get it in. We figure it's a virgin thing and decide to try again some other time since her very catholic parents are
Eventually it's time for the second try. I've got the condoms, the spermicidal foam, and after an hour or so of H&H and one horrifyingly painful incident where she tried to take an inside-out condom off by pulling the end (SNAP) we get the idea that maybe the foam'll help keep the condoms from drying out and keep things lubricated (should've been a hint). It's one of those aerosol/plunger deals and I try to load it up with the plunger pulled all the way out... now I don't know if any of you have ever used one of
these before but that plunger's airtight and the can is really well pressurized. In retrospect I was pretty lucky I only got foam in my eye and not the plunger, which actually put a small pockmark in the ceiling where it hit and got that damn foam
everywhere. Yeah that kinda killed it.
Third and final go we're both back at it, I've got the condom on, foam's deployed properly and I've read up on anatomy and some cheap anatomic tricks to help out with this. We get going, I get the right hole, go in slow and finally we're bumping uglies (literally).
Now at this point I should take a moment to refer back to where I mentioned I'm apparently allergic to her, which meant I wasn't exactly feeling in perfect health. She's also a pretty tiny girl, maybe 5'4-ish, and built on a very slight frame. I on the other hand need to wear magnums for the width if not the length since regular trojans are so small that I basically go numb from the lack of circulation.
So I'm there feeling like I've got a head cold and some indigestion, numb, feeling like I'm getting kicked in the nuts, and then I get stuck. I can't get out. I've got no lube, and certainly no desire to call the EMTs, so I need to get her to relax before I need an amputation. I start joking around, "falcon punch", distracting her basically any way I can.
It works, thank god, and from here on everything is normal except that I'm left doing my best discovery-channel impression with this girl for
three hours and even when I resort to trying to jerk off at the end I'm still numb and feeling like I got three swift kicks to the boys. Eventually other E/N style drama leads to a breakup followed by serious douchery on both sides, 2 years of silence, and us eventually talking to each other again after growing the hell up.
I'm just glad that we broke up before she got the nerve to try giving me a BJ. With this kind of comedy of errors I don't want to THINK about how that could've ended.