Hi CJ. When I first had a depressive spell, I was asked "do you want to kill yourself" and explained to the therapist that i didn't want to kill myself as an act, but if I'd had access to "unbeing" I would have taken it.
I think many people hold back from the edge due to the fears of other people having to clear up and live with the death. I certainly did.
I'm glad you're getting help. Be well.