Lasereth

I don't talk about this much on here because it's really really complicated and personal, but now's a great time because I need to complain to anyone that wants to listen.

I have a food problem. A major food problem......I think about food all day, every day, every waking hour, from the moment I wake up, till I finally fall asleep at night. My whole life is controlled by food.

I wake up and eat a bowl of cereal. It doesn't matter what kind, 30 minutes later I feel like I haven't eaten in days. I sit there in misery until lunch time, then I eat my lunch and 30 minutes later the hunger returns. All I do at work is think about how hungry I am, what I could be eating, how unfair it is that I'm so hungry while others aren't, and how if I eat, then I gain weight, but if I don't eat, then I don't lose weight either.

I can't function right without food. When I have to go out on a call for work, I think to myself well what are you gonna do about your hunger while out? Should I find something to eat before? What if there's no where to get food while out?

When I eat it feels like I'm high (never did drugs, just using this term because it fits). I get in a better mood, and I have better productivity, and I have a better outlook on life. Then about 10 minutes later I think fuck it, now I'm gonna get fatter, fuck this shit, fuck hunger, fuck food, fuck fat, fuck it all. Why do I even bother doing anything because I'll just be hungry all the time and not be able to eat. Then when I do eat I feel bad and it's a huge circle of stupidity.

I'm hungry every minute of the day. It's easy for my coworkers to sit here and work all day with a free spirit -- they get hungry at lunch time and at supper time and are "just fine" in between. At 8:30 AM I could eat a whole fucking pizza and not get sick.

I lost 70 pounds 2 years ago by exercising and lowering my caloric intake to 1,500 per day. I was very proud of myself and that kept me going, but I also realized that it put me in a huge depression. I hated everything. Nothing gave me interest anymore. The things I used to obsess about now I couldn't give less of a shit about.

Well I went to see a psychologist about the problem. She was very helpful. She said I have an unhealthy relationship with food and that not eating when I was hungry was causing my depression. She mentioned that maybe I should eat say 2,500 calories per day instead of 1,500 and see if I got happier. That was 6 months ago.

I took her advice and for the past 6 months I started eating at work when I was hungry. I also ate at home when I was hungry. The depression was alleviated an extreme amount. I was in a better mood and wasn't as pissed off at everything. After a very short period of time I started noticing the weight gain. Fast forward to now and I've gained 20 pounds back and my clothes are tight and I'm noticeably fatter.

NOW I'm back in the depression again. Now I stuff my face at work but it doesn't make me feel good, I just get disgusted about the weight gain and only enjoy the food until it's gone. There is no relief now -- I can't take pride in my weight loss, but I can't eat to feel good because of the weight gain, there's just nothing.

I tried stopping eating already but I can't. I can't even make it throughout the day without extreme depression without eating all day.

What the hell am I supposed to do. I've been prescribed depression medication and it did jack shit. It was even supposed to help with addictions but it didn't curb my appetite, it actually made it worse combined with my psychologist recommending I increase my caloric intake.

I don't get how other people can just not be hungry. ALLL day long I'm hungry, I feel like my insides are rotting when I don't eat. I feel like I'm mentally withering away when I'm hungry. Hunger and food controls my very existence. Other people eat "6 meals a day" and stay in shape. I try that and just get fatter, not that the 6 meals keep me from being hungry. I've tried eating foods that make you fuller, I've tried drinking water, I've tried it all. No matter what I do, I stay hungry all the time and it controls me. Quite literally controls my whole life. The only time I get full is if I eat 1,500 calories (or more) per meal, but that gets me back to where I was a few years ago (morbidly obese). Tell me there's others out there that have their entire lives controlled by this burning hunger.........

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"A Darwinian attacks his theory, seeking to find flaws. An ID believer defends his theory, seeking to conceal flaws." -Roger Ebert