Quote:
Originally Posted by Gilda
Cimarron29414: I showed Sissy this, and she was absolutely delighted with it as a metaphor for being transsexual, and shared it with some friends at an MTF board where she's a member, and it's been well received there.
I've mentioned my friend Jen, a middle-aged MTF in mid-transition, and the last time I exchanged e-mails with her I paraphrased your car metaphor for her. She's having a really, really rough time right now and you managed to make her day with this. She e-mailed this back, trying to help me understand what she was feeling (I have permission to pass this along):
"Imagine that you not only feel uncomfortable in your body, but you hate it, to the point that you actively avoid mirrors and getting an inadvertant glance of yourself in the reflection of a store window is enough to make you cringe. Imagine looking at your clothes every morning and feeling sick at having to put them on, or flinching internally every time someone calls you "Sir". Imagine hating your body so much that it seems wrong and evil, and wanting to punish it by cutting or burning it to get back at it for causing you such emotional pain that the physical pain is a relief. Imagine hating your body so much that you regularly consider mutilating yourself to remove the most offensive parts, or commit suicide to remove them all.
That's what it feels like, for many, to be transsexual."
Gilda
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Hey, I hate to bump this thread and my apologies for doing so
(I was unable to send you a PM due to insufficient posts). Anyway, although for a majority of my life I've felt as a female presence and had experienced some degree of mental hallucination
(not physically) in which my mind would tell me that my body was female, I've also felt somewhat masculine and androgenic. Other times however, I've felt extremely depressed about having a male body and have desperately wished for it to change by any means, and have contemplated suicide myriad times ergo to this.
I could correlate the depression of it to implicit peer pressure, in that -- it'd be inconsistent with a norm, and albeit if I did transition, I'd feel envy for those who attain the aesthetics, even in specifics
(e.g. having a smaller nose) -- but this pressure also integrates the lack of a female reproductive system, and although I could adopt a child and settle for a neo vagina, I feel implicitly pressured to pass on the next generation through child birth. As a result, the pressure for wanting a female reproductive system has made me feel like I'd settle to be any species that's female. Depression pertaining to the desire to be female also relates to the lack of a female childhood and social experiences -- I felt that by transitioning, it'd introduce a major social conflict, even if gone stealth
(e.g. social chit-chat relating to female childhood experiences would probably provoke discomfort). When taking hormones however, or if attaching some kind of feminine quality, I felt great and the negatives kinda suppress until I think a little deep about it -- the thoughts can also intervene if I feel that I can't identify as a female.
Conversely however, I've also felt slightly comfortable as a male, albeit this was seldom, coupled with what felt as male mentality. Most often however, if feeling male, I'd feel hopeless about life - I'd often anticipate the future as a void, attracting limited positive experience. Sexually, I feel that I would engage in experience with a female if provided the opportunity, but would prefer to take the role as a female. I've also taken that role a few times, and although most often attracted to female sexuality with little control over urge, I've never felt fully attracted to a male.
A few friends whom I've spoke to about a transition believe that the reason for this is due to the lack of experience with females - the most I've done is kissing, and that was once and I haven't had many social encounters with females
(I've yet to find a legitimate relationship with a female -- I've had one which ended when she met me). The encounters that had transpired, and most which where with the intention of dating, where negative. In some state of mind, I also feel very pessimistic about females
(which isn't entirely stemmed from attempts to date a female), with no hope in achieving reproduction and wish to rid my attraction to them. With each attempt to date and proceeding rejection, I experience a lot of depression with suicidal thoughts for months, which in turn reduces my ability to do the things I enjoy or wish to accomplish -- I feel very doubtful about living as a male
(I'm 19). One also suggests that I increase my masculinity, but I fear that this would fail in attracting a female and would destroy any chance in an opportunity for a transition.
Despite a correlation between the lack of experience with females, I've also felt the desire to be female before I hit puberty but had also felt attracted to females at around the age of 3.
Apologies for this babble, but I'm wondering if this is truly transgender-ism, and whether it'd be advised to transition
(I feel very tempted to do so but one other block that's somewhat impeding is aging (granted that this is inevitable, but I fear that at some point, even if I did find an appearance that adhered to my female self, that it'd die over time), but I also feel that I might be happy if identified as female). Here's a link to my original thread for further info: tfproject.org/tfp/tilted-sexuality/147477-achieving-prostate-orgasm-how-do-i-do.html
Any help is greatly appreciated!
Also Gilda, you're a wonderful person and deserve all the respect in the world for the support you provided your sister!