Thank you Dip and MM. This:
Quote:
Originally Posted by dippin
When it gets to that point, the relationship is in all likelihood done. Snooping and finding out might get you closure, but not finding out will not be the end of it. It's not about the rightness or wrongness of snooping around, but about the utility of it.
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and this:
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Originally Posted by mixedmedia
I'm sure Manic will come back around with an opinion, but:
1) I don't recall anyone talking about bad guys
2) your point of view of seems to be rather narrow, as if every relationship that ends up in one partner cheating involves a good-hearted, attentive, loving person who has done everything they can to keep the relationship healthy, and an evil partner who doesn't give a shit. I doubt that is the case most of the time.
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are a large part of the point I've made.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Plan9
This "by the time the need to invade the privacy of your partner arises, infidelity is very likely the least of issues" bit makes zero sense to me, Hoss. It's a reaction, not an action. Said reaction would not have occurred without the initial action by his wife.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Manic_Skafe
The ends very well may justify the means but a relationship founded on mutual trust and respect wouldn't have allowed for all of this.
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Cromp, I think you're focusing far too much on my individual sentences and missing the larger point. Most of my contributions to this thread have been made while the answer as to whether or not she's been unfaithful was still up in the air.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Manic_Skafe
It seems all the focus is getting her to admit her betrayal or catch her in a lie but let's not forget that whether she's cheated or not, your relationship is still seriously fucked up. There's an obvious lack of trust, respect and a whole host of other things that'll need to be mended before you can consider what you two to have to be a relationship - let alone a marriage.
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While refusing to excuse his fucked up behavior and ignore the questionable and downright hypocritical position you operate from when you set out to investigate the possible violation of your trust via the violation of the trust given to you by another, I've never downplayed the OPs right to know if he's been cheated on. I've merely suggested we not pretend as if spontaneous infidelity is some naturally occurring phenomenon and that through this unfortunate revelation, the OP has discovered the source of everything wrong with his relationship.
His panty raiding paranoia isn't a reaction and serves as indicative of a much larger problem. All of the advice here that encourages it is as dumb as it is unhelpful.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Plan9
What exactly are you trying to convey to me by suggesting that the instant he unzips a duffel bag that the relationship had issues before he decided that investigation was necessary? Is the big issue here that he didn't go, "Hey, toots... you bobbing on any other cock than mine? It's okay... you can tell me." I think the issue is all her. She wasn't happy with [whatever, lame excuse] and decided to go get a little sumfin'-sumfin'.
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The big issue is that their relationship is so astronomically fucked that it came to all of this and nothing - not even proof that she's the most notorious
"cock bobbing" cheater changes any of that. Your apparent fixation upon finding her out says more about you than it does this discussion.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Plan9
I figure you're suggesting that he should have sat down with her and talked to her about his concerns like some kind of Dr. Phil special. It has been my experience that those activities either ruin a relationship where nothing is wrong ("You don't trust me!") or only allow the person who's doing-the-naughty to lie ("You don't trust me?"). I'm suggesting that shit doesn't go down like that in the real world. Real world relationship issues as described in this thread happen based on coincidences, accidents, Freudian slips and Columbo-like hunches. The girlfriend that discovers you're still fapping it to SuicideGirls.com based on your browser history, the husband that discovers his wife is still smoking Cowboy Killers by finding a cellophane in her jeans pocket while doing the laundry. Evidence-based. In this case it was sneaky behavior plus shaved cock-socket that lead to the panties with what was likely semen stains. Change the variables all you want, the axioms themselves never change.
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You're ridiculous.