... but I'm a
man. You know I can't answer this question. It is
my job to be the emotional equiv of the eight color box of Crayolas.
...
InBOIL, this is a totally gnarly-awesome thread topic and I'm glad that you posted it. I was going to, but I didn't wanna talk about it. *rimshot*
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Yeah, the much-dreaded ubiquitous naggy wife question of "
What are you thinking about?" always seems to come up when you're gathering wool, cranky about something unrelated to your relationship, or tuned out completely. The answer is almost always "
Nuthin'" because of the reasons you mentioned above: conflict avoidance and the annoying necessity of providing context.
As a typical knuckledragger, I only ask this question to my partner when they are visibly distressed (and I notice). Usual signals are tears or crying although I've sometimes gone as far as to put on my detective cap and picked up on things like pacing, fingernail biting and infidelity. The difference is that men seem to use the "
What's wrong?" question far more often. Honestly, I don't really want to have to gently interrogate my partner to know what they're thinking about. If they want to share, they'll share... right? I want to know if there is a problem so I can (wait for it) be a man and take action and fix it. Otherwise? Let's just do stuff. It isn't that men don't want to talk... we talk all the time. We just want to talk about stuff other than our thoughts in that context... or the context of "
Did I rotate my tires that last oil change or the one before?" and "
Whew, her roommate's ass sure is looking good lately."
If women didn't ask the question, relationships would be... god, I can't imagine a world where this question wasn't asked of me at least four times a day. It would be nice to be left alone for those few moments, but at the same time and given the lengthy history of this particular notorious inquiry... I would be uncomfortable if my partner didn't needle me like that once in a while as a way of showing they were thinking about me. Much like the all-important doing of the sex, when the innocent little Facebook-esque status questions stop... something is broken in the relationship. A useful red flag maybe?
Your response is totally on target:
Quote:
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Originally Posted by InBOIL, the Destroyer of Slaw
When I'm asked what I'm thinking, I'm usually not thinking about anything. I'm just relaxing, and the questions comes as an intrusion. I have to fire up the speech recognition brain cells to process the question, then fire up the putting-thoughts-into-words brain cells to respond. The fact that I have to un-relax for something so trivial seriously harshes my mellow. My response is always "nothing." Even when I'm thinking about something, it's either something I don't feel comfortable sharing, something so trivial or complex that it's not worth the effort of translating it into words, or some train of thought that I don't want to interrupt by explaining.
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Harshes my mellow. Oh, indeed. And that's totally it. I think men are impatient in conversation because our conversational toolbox is different: more hammers than paintbrushes. Men are more mission-oriented in their conversations, women are all about those damned thoughts and feelings.
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Note 1: I notice that I use the "
Nuthin'" response quite often to respond to the "
What are you doing?" question as well.
Note 2: Place your bets on how many times "nag" or "nagging" will appear in this thread. I'm expecting at least a dozen hits.
Note 3: I wonder how this thread will be viewed... as an innocent inquiry that women make or more toward the there's-a-relationship-problem side.
Note 4: I'm sure the stage of the relationship between the man and women involved plays a part in this question and its perceived nag-itude.