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Old 02-01-2010, 04:23 PM   #20 (permalink)
crow_daw
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OK I debated for awhile over whether to post this or not, because it makes me look like a pretty large douchebag, which I maintain that I most decidedly am NOT. But you wouldn't be able to tell that from the following story. So let me insert a disclaimer: I know some of the things I said are horribly offensive and not things to joke about, but I had adrenaline flowing like crazy, I was talking shit, I was fucking BLITZKRIEGED, and I felt really bad about it all for days thereafter. OK......

So seven friends and I went to the Titans-Ravens game in last years playoffs. We thought this was our year. Nothing can stop the indomitable 13-3, number one seed Titans, obviously. So we were, to say the least, fired up. I was drinking copious amounts of whiskey and beer while tailgating. The last thing I remember is being in a bar across the street from the stadium before the game, taking a Jager Bomb with three of my friends. Literally the next thing I remember after that is being in the stands, roughly half way through the third quarter, with my friend Brigg right in my face saying "Dude, seriously.....you have got to stop with the AIDS shit, man."

The rest is pieced together from multiple eyewitness accounts. When I go to football games, I like to talk shit to the opposing fans. Usually pretty harmless, fun-loving stuff that we just spew back and forth. Not so this evening. At one point I apparently said something mildly offensive, at which point some Baltimore fan said "Man, you better be glad we're not in Baltimore.".......

SERVICE. I mean seriously, he really set me up for all this. I immediately responded with "I'm fuckin THRILLED we're not in Baltimore right now!!! The only things in Baltimore are a high crime rate and motherfuckin AIDS!!!". Yeah. I know. Apparently at this point section 303 of LP Field fell pretty silent. The Ravens fans (of which there were many) in the area craned their necks to stare at the drunk redneck fratboy douchebag making jokes about fucking AIDS. Did this deter me?.......What do you think?

I proceeded to spout countless AIDS-related quips that I'm sure were neither funny or like, you know, remotely coherent or anything. I then focused my attention on a very large, very bald, very tattooed, very scarred biker guy about two rows down from me wearing a Todd Heap jersey and apparently thought to my inebriated self: "Pussy."
...............

"Hey! HEY!!!! TODD HEAP FUCKIN SUCKS!!!! TODD HEAP IS SO BAD I THINK HE ACTUALLY 'AIDS' THE TITANS IN THEIR EFFORTS TO WIN!!!! HAHAHA!!! FUCK TODD HEAP!!!"

And despite the fact that I was obviously way over the line and even my friends were cautioning me as such, I was on cloud nine. I was convinced I was handily winning the shit-talking battle and everything was just peachy.

And then we god damn lost. 13-10. None of the Baltimore fans, obviously possessing....what's that called??...oh yeah, class...physically assaulted me. Not even the Hell's Angel in the Todd Heap jersey. But never have I received such a vicious verbal slogging. Well deserved. No doubt about it.

Again, let me reiterate that I completely acknowledge how ridiculous I acted. If you're from Baltimore, I sincerely apologize. If you're a Todd Heap fan, I sincerely apologize. Hell, you're a human being, I sincerely apologize. In my drunken mind, I was just trying to get under the opposition's skin a little bit, as I always do, and obviously, I took it way too far.

But yeah, that's definitely the worst I've ever done. My friends told me afterward that it was a God's-honest miracle that I didn't go to jail or the hospital. Hell, they said it was a miracle that I got through the fucking gate. Apparently on the way to the game, I accidentally bumped into a little girl and knocked her down, and passed through security hanging on to my friend for support, being completely unable to support myself. Jesus......

I have since quit drinking whiskey.

---------- Post added at 07:23 PM ---------- Previous post was at 07:19 PM ----------

Another quick one. The other night I was at a bar for way too long for a friend's birthday. After my girlfriend finally convinced me to go home I pronounced to the entire bar: "Alright guys we're going home. Yeah! We're going to have SEX!!!!!"

Much laughter ensued, none of which was emitted by my girlfriend. I feed off of laughter.......(while pointing at my girlfriend, who is no more than a foot away from me)"Hey guys, not only that, but I'm gonna knock the BOTTOM out of that shit tonight!"...........(turning to actually face my now thoroughly unamused girlfriend) "You ready for me to knock that BOTTOM OUT OF THAT SHIT babe?"

Luckily, she still took me home. I love that girl. I don't deserve her.
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