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Tilted
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Originally Posted by Plan9
And what does that make you, chief? A daring penis/lance-toting crusader in search of a snatch-dragon to slay? Hardly, especially given your demonstrated experience and attitude. You alternate between whining about losing your manga-obsessed failmound and whatever this thread is supposed to be other than the universal hand signal for the the number 0 crudely oscillating over the shaft of a neglected erection.
Your attitude kinda reminds me of the beginning of that Office Space movie... ya know, where the nerdy white guy is stuck in traffic and thuggin' it out to gangsta rap until he sees an actual black guy and flips out, silencing the music and putting up his window / locking his doors. I'm not a genius, but I get the feeling you puff yourself up with these pejorative and adversarial definitions toward women. I'm guessing if you were in a room with this insta-family female from OkStupid, you'd act like you were reading off the script of The Waltons. Suppose this means I'm just doubting your sincerity as an asshole.
Your keyboard appears to be writing a check your real life can't summon the balls to cash. I'll let you in on something I learned a while back: there is no "us vs. them." We're all little chicken nuggets rolling around in this big bowl, bumping into each other. There are no martyrs, there is no magic. You have issues with women? It's you, no them. You don't wanna settle for someone? Don't, your first clue was that ya even thought about it. You wanna find a fuck / love on the Internet? Pick a goal and work your resources to achieve it. It's like all that old "Carpe Diem" go-west-young-man shit without the haircare products associated with our metrosexual peers. My point: we want your social success war stories, not your emo high school LiveJournal rants.
The Internet is a great place for research and a good place for conversation, but it's not really a place to come for help with your social life. A quick peek at 4Chan or WoW forums is enough evidence. Unless you're looking for real world events, it's an avoidable gaping wound on the old life hourglass.
And newsflash: It's 2010. They let women wear shoes AND vote these days. Get with the program. Everybody likes sex... yes, even the goils.
I'm starting to get you, Mirth. And it scares me. Like a dirty bucket containing a pump bottle of lotion being lowered into a hole.
Say, you find any of my hopes and dreams worth shattering while you're at it?
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Man... I feel retarded because I did not understand about 85% of that message, haha. A few things I got were that women are real people too, and I'm not good enough for them yet until I improve myself. Or something like that.
I'm not sure of the "everybody likes sex" part. The girl I dated didn't seem to care about getting it. I just thought, to advertise to the world that you were looking for sex kinda seemed slutty, that's all.
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Originally Posted by Shauk
Damnit, I was comfortable being the disfunctional relationship guy on the board but this guy... sorry man, you can have my crown, my cake, my kingdom.
Your classification of women seems to objectify them, and if I had to guess, you do this because you're socially defunct to the point that women aren't people, they're just challenges. Challenges that make you self conscious, wonder if you're not good enough, and ultimately it's not about them, it's about you, and you think the only thing that would make you feel better right now is if some chick met you and spread her legs for you in acceptance since you can't find acceptance in who you are on your own.
There's a word for that. Co-dependence.
You're an incomplete person seeking completion in others. I'll tell you what I know. Girls aren't charities. They're looking for the whole package, the men who make enable them to feel love, respect, and passion.
You know what? take a vow of self improvement for a while, don't even think about sex or anything of that nature for a while. Get around girls and alter your attitude whoever you have to, to make yourself not want to hook up with them. Look down at them, brush them aside, treat them like co-workers or business associates, not love interests. Get it under control, and once you feel like you understand what it means to not feel the NEED to hook up with every hottie that passes your way, you might understand what it means to be confident and secure.
and you know what? every little bullshit thing you knock about yourself, you can change. If you feel out of shape, fix it, if you feel like your skin is bad, get a dermatologist, if you feel you can't afford the services that increase your self confidence, get a better job, and if you don't feel you have what it takes to get a good job, get a better education, find a passion that doesn't involve women.
Just my 2 cents, again.
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I shall accept the crown! But I will hand it off to w4r10ck, he seems to need it more than me. 
Anyways, I really liked that post. I hate to admit, but women are just different to me, you're right on target with that. In realizing this now, I have made the effort to change that. (See bottom of my reply.) Sort of like, practice. And yes, I do feel like I need a woman to complete me... It's a bad thought process that I have to let go of, even though I feel like the only thing I'm missing in life are friends and a girlfriend. I'm going to try to focus on friends first, though.
As for the whole package though... In the things you listed, I feel like I do have those qualities. It's just that I usually never get that far to be able to prove it.
As for focusing on self-improvement, yeah, I do need to do that first and foremost. But the not focusing on sex thing is tough. (See bottom of reply again for this). But yeah, mentally I need to fix myself, and physically fixing myself would be a bonus, at least in building confidence.
Thanks for the reply!
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Originally Posted by archetypal fool
Mirth: It's very uncanny how similar your self-image is to what mine was a couple of years ago. Everything you typed, from the frank and harsh self-criticism to the analyzing of what is "normal" social behavior, is exactly what I would have stated if I had gone this route (posted for help on TFP) rather than my own. You say you don't consider yourself a person of "normal" social ability, and so you think that "normal" people won't understand what you're going through, but I identify very much with you; for this reason I hope you will really listen to what I have to say. Today I'm more content than I think I've ever been, and trust me, I never thought life could be this way for me.
Up in post nine, The_Jazz was spot on in terms of whether there's a "normal" when it comes to social behavior, so I'll skip that lecture and go straight to the point. To escape the anguish and loneliness I was feeling (which was very similar to what you've described), the first thing I did was dedicate myself to getting healthy (at the time I weighed 260 lb); this meant going to the gym unflinchingly, modifying my diet, etc.. In 6 months I lost 50 lb and acquired a fairly athletic/muscular body type; needless to say, my self-esteem was boosted tremendously just from that.
Unfortunately, getting healthy and in shape was far easier than the other changes I had to make; namely, making myself comfortable enough to converse with strangers. To do this, I simply immersed myself in places where I knew there'd be people. Since I was in college at the time, this meant any of the dozens of events that took place every month (e.g., concerts of all genres, club/organized events). As a musician, I especially enjoyed the music events since those were the people I thought I'd have the easiest time conversing with. Once there, I'd come up with some friendly funny/witty general/relevant observation about whatever seemed fittest, then I'd recite it to any near-by person with-whom I made eye contact; people were always receptive to my attempts at conversation, and I never encountered any rudeness or spite. I won't lie, at first it was absolute anguish; there was nothing more discouraging for my cause than having a conversation die after just a couple of exchanges. When things didn't work, I simply moved on and tried again, learning from the mistake I'd made just before, or I'd come up with a different approach for pushing the topic. I forced myself to NEVER dwell on the failure, and always strive to keep the conversation flowing.
There were times early on when I wanted to stop because of the disappointment, but I pushed on anyway, repeating the same strategy probably hundreds of times. I did it in the grocers, in class, at the bank, in the gym, in line at Subways, and even in the park while jogging; it got to the point where I would reach out to people without any initiative, simply out of habit. Then one day, just a few months after I'd started the campaign, it dawned on me: I could finally converse freely with people. I couldn't believe how my personality evolved and presented itself given the tools and experience to relate and speak to others. Mind you, I wasn't totally comfortable around them, but I could come up with things to say, and I could keep the conversation flowing as long as need be. At this point, the transition from talking to strangers to developing friendships was easy. I simply conversed with the same people who had similar interests, became very familiar/comfortable around and to them, exchanged numbers then let nature take its course.
An important note, after reading Shauk's recent post, is that, when conversing with women, I never did so for the purpose of beginning a relationship; I treated girls just as I did guys, with intent to hone my skills and form friendships. That vow of self-improvement that Shauk mentions is essencially what I did in a nut shell. It's well understood that until one is happy with oneself, one will never find happiness in others (several members have already pointed this out), so trying to start a relation before I was ready would only have hindered my cause.
A quick personal fact about me, which will hopefully strengthen my case: When I started the campaign I was 21 years old and a virgin - no, worse than that, I'd never kissed a girl, and I could only recall two times when I'd even touched one before. Now, I made sure when I started the campaign to not discriminate between conversation partners based on sex; after all, what good is it if I'm only comfortable around other men? By the time I was making friends as described above, I was very comfortable around women (I remember thinking, "hmm... they are just people after all."). Imagine my surprise when one of the female friends I'd recently made took the initiative and introduced me to an amazing part of life that I'd missed out on all those years.
To summarize, it's going to take tremendous work on your part to escape the gravity of that black hole that's keeping you from being happy, but you have to accept that it's the only way to make things better. You have to force yourself out there, but the payoff in the end is by far worth the pain of the start. I know you already appreciate this, and I commend you for posting and sharing with us this personal topic.
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That was a very inspiring story and a great post in general. 
In response, let's see... Well, the college thing is a little bit out of the question for me. I don't go to our main campus (3 hours away), and our campus is extremely small. ("Campus currently serves approximately 738 students, or 3% of the university's student body."). With that said, they have 3 events in the beginning of the semester and 3 at the end on this campus, which I actually attend all of them, because I'm on the campus anyways at those times. The events consist of them putting up a little table with food and drinks, haha, and there's maybe 10 people that walk in, grab some grub and walk right out. Sucks.  As far as other events I can attend in the area... I'll just have to look around. I live in a mostly small town, surrounded by small towns up until 200 miles, so there aren't a lot of events that I'm aware of. But I will try to get more information on any events that we may have that I don't know about.
But like you said, you started to make conversation with people everywhere, failing or not, which is something I cannot make an excuse for. I should attempt to do that. I'd feel better doing that in the town of my college, so I'd feel there's less of a chance of running into them again if things go sour, haha. But I must highly consider talking to strangers to get better at socializing... It seems like the main thing I need to do to improve myself.
For the record, I got ya beat. I got my first kiss when I was 24 and lost my v-card at 24 too, and nothing has happened since.
With that said, I know I'm "supposed" to take things slow, in better improving myself... But my mind keeps telling me that I'm running out of time for that. I want to have kids someday (don't laugh people ) and the older I get, the less time on this Earth I will have to spend with my kids. Sounds retarded, I know, but that's what's in my mind why I'm trying to find someone quickly. But I realize I can't find someone unless I fix myself first.
Thank you greatly for your reply too.
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Originally Posted by monkeysugar
I have a challenge for you, but for one day only. For one day, I challenge you to find things that you like about yourself, no matter what you might think anyone else might think about it If it's something you're into, that's fucking awesome. Be into it because you love to do it. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. Give yourself compliments. Sweet Jesus...learn to like yourself, then learn to love yourself. If you're a badass drummer and bass player, or even if you suck at it, it doesn't matter. If you like it and you like how you feel when you're doing it, *That is all that should matter.* In addition to that, you are flat out, absolutely not fucking allowed to bash yourself, talk down about yourself, post anything of a self-depricating nature or make yourself feel like a piece of shit. For one day, it's all about YOU and what you like about yourself. Once you have a day down, your next challenge is two days. Once you hit a week, you get a new challenge.
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There are plenty of things I like about myself, I suppose. I like my smile (even with the two vampire teeth ), I like how thoughtful I am in person, I like my politeness in person, as you said the badass bass/drummer part, I like that about myself, I like my sense of humour (although sometimes it's a little too crude), I like my work ethics. Well, I'm sure there's more, but I can't think of em at the moment. But yeah, I have to challenge myself to stop beating myself up, that's for sure. I will start that right about... (I need to take growth hormones) ...now!
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Originally Posted by LoganSnake
Before y'all start dispensing advice, please keep in mind that none of it will matter (ever, ever) until Mirth addresses one major issue first. I'm sure you all already know what it is.
His self esteem is near 0 Kelvin - absolute zero. If it were any lower, he would be too embarrassed to look at his reflection in the mirror. I'm not saying it in jest, I'm simply stating a fact. Whatever advice you have regarding that -that is the main issue. Address it first.
Everything. Every little problem. Every big problem. Every sentence that may be deemed facepalm worthy that stems from the way his brain works has roots in his self esteem. Fix that and you'll fix Mirth.
And that's all I have to say about that. </Gump>
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Yeah, I'm going to start working on that, as I stated in this post.
And Forrest Gump is my favorite movie.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Plan9
Hell, I think he needs to get his emo ass kicked a few times.
He'll either be horribly maimed or learn to stand on his own.
Nothing builds more self-esteem faster than flexing the will to live.
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You're gonna have to get a group of people then, I'm 3 and 0 in fights 
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Anyways, while I'm doing this self-improvement, is it okay if I try to hook-up with women? Like I said earlier, with how old I am, I feel like I've missed out on my "teenage" sexual years. I've only had sex twice... I mean yeah, if I found a girl right now that wanted me to spend the rest of her life with and I liked her, I wouldn't care about getting any nooky. But I'm single and curious right now. I want to know what it feels like again, because I just don't remember. That girl I messaged earlier on the dating site, before I read all these replies, actually laughed at my joke message and asked me what I'd like to know about her (Part of the message I said "Teach me everything you know " (which I was trying to make it seem like I mean about sex). So ya, I may have the chance to hook-up with her?
So final question... would this get in the way of my self-improving? Should I back down now and focus ONLY on the improving myself? This seems like an opportunity to make myself feel more confident possibly. |