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Crazy
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Mirth: It's very uncanny how similar your self-image is to what mine was a couple of years ago. Everything you typed, from the frank and harsh self-criticism to the analyzing of what is "normal" social behavior, is exactly what I would have stated if I had gone this route (posted for help on TFP) rather than my own. You say you don't consider yourself a person of "normal" social ability, and so you think that "normal" people won't understand what you're going through, but I identify very much with you; for this reason I hope you will really listen to what I have to say. Today I'm more content than I think I've ever been, and trust me, I never thought life could be this way for me.
Up in post nine, The_Jazz was spot on in terms of whether there's a "normal" when it comes to social behavior, so I'll skip that lecture and go straight to the point. To escape the anguish and loneliness I was feeling (which was very similar to what you've described), the first thing I did was dedicate myself to getting healthy (at the time I weighed 260 lb); this meant going to the gym unflinchingly, modifying my diet, etc.. In 6 months I lost 50 lb and acquired a fairly athletic/muscular body type; needless to say, my self-esteem was boosted tremendously just from that.
Unfortunately, getting healthy and in shape was far easier than the other changes I had to make; namely, making myself comfortable enough to converse with strangers. To do this, I simply immersed myself in places where I knew there'd be people. Since I was in college at the time, this meant any of the dozens of events that took place every month (e.g., concerts of all genres, club/organized events). As a musician, I especially enjoyed the music events since those were the people I thought I'd have the easiest time conversing with. Once there, I'd come up with some friendly funny/witty general/relevant observation about whatever seemed fittest, then I'd recite it to any near-by person with-whom I made eye contact; people were always receptive to my attempts at conversation, and I never encountered any rudeness or spite. I won't lie, at first it was absolute anguish; there was nothing more discouraging for my cause than having a conversation die after just a couple of exchanges. When things didn't work, I simply moved on and tried again, learning from the mistake I'd made just before, or I'd come up with a different approach for pushing the topic. I forced myself to NEVER dwell on the failure, and always strive to keep the conversation flowing.
There were times early on when I wanted to stop because of the disappointment, but I pushed on anyway, repeating the same strategy probably hundreds of times. I did it in the grocers, in class, at the bank, in the gym, in line at Subways, and even in the park while jogging; it got to the point where I would reach out to people without any initiative, simply out of habit. Then one day, just a few months after I'd started the campaign, it dawned on me: I could finally converse freely with people. I couldn't believe how my personality evolved and presented itself given the tools and experience to relate and speak to others. Mind you, I wasn't totally comfortable around them, but I could come up with things to say, and I could keep the conversation flowing as long as need be. At this point, the transition from talking to strangers to developing friendships was easy. I simply conversed with the same people who had similar interests, became very familiar/comfortable around and to them, exchanged numbers then let nature take its course.
An important note, after reading Shauk's recent post, is that, when conversing with women, I never did so for the purpose of beginning a relationship; I treated girls just as I did guys, with intent to hone my skills and form friendships. That vow of self-improvement that Shauk mentions is essencially what I did in a nut shell. It's well understood that until one is happy with oneself, one will never find happiness in others (several members have already pointed this out), so trying to start a relation before I was ready would only have hindered my cause.
A quick personal fact about me, which will hopefully strengthen my case: When I started the campaign I was 21 years old and a virgin - no, worse than that, I'd never kissed a girl, and I could only recall two times when I'd even touched one before. Now, I made sure when I started the campaign to not discriminate between conversation partners based on sex; after all, what good is it if I'm only comfortable around other men? By the time I was making friends as described above, I was very comfortable around women (I remember thinking, "hmm... they are just people after all."). Imagine my surprise when one of the female friends I'd recently made took the initiative and introduced me to an amazing part of life that I'd missed out on all those years.
To summarize, it's going to take tremendous work on your part to escape the gravity of that black hole that's keeping you from being happy, but you have to accept that it's the only way to make things better. You have to force yourself out there, but the payoff in the end is by far worth the pain of the start. I know you already appreciate this, and I commend you for posting and sharing with us this personal topic.
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I have my own particular sorrows, loves, delights; and you have yours. But sorrow, gladness, yearning, hope, love, belong to all of us, in all times and in all places. Music is the only means whereby we feel these emotions in their universality. ~H.A. Overstreet
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