Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community - View Single Post - The Ethics of Tempting Someone to "Switch Teams"

Chumley · 11-14-2009, 11:52 PM

Hi to all the TFP regulars - I'm kind of a lurker, trying to work my way outta my shell.

A very interesting conversation. Makes me think of all the gays I have known, and the evolution of my understanding of... I don't know, what it means to be gay.

My best friend growing up - his mom lived with a woman, they were obviously in a relationship, but it was very cool - they felt like regular parents - this was in the mid-70s. Liberal neighborhood

. She (his mom) was very clear about her identity, and boy was it fluid. She basically swung both ways, and went back and forth in and out of long-term relationships with both women and men over the years. So there are people who do that, apparently. Haven't known a whole lot of them personally, but a few.

Then I was in a band with a lesbian rhythm section. Interesting days -- we all ogled the women together.

One of them was butch, and yea, maybe she woulda sparked a bit if I hit on her. They were pretty .... typical... ? if you can ever say that.... typical lesbians, at least from my perspective... they were insular about themselves, a little, and I don't think I woulda tried (or wanted) to flip them.

Another band I was in, the bassist was gay (different lady) -- her girlfriend actually got us a gig at a lesbian bar -- very weird night -- they loved our chick singer, but glared like hell at the 3 guys in the band. Anyway, strangest thing, this lady actually seduced ME one night after a gig -- she said she wasn't switching teams, but wanted to... sample me, as best I understood it. She need gentleness above all, and well that's the kind of guy I am, and I made her feel safe enough, apparently. It was actually really wonderful - we had a very nice night... just once. She shared that she had some early experiences with men that were NOT gentle. This was the only time I kinda wondered if environment could play a big role in changing someone's sexual path/identity.

Anyway, to the OP --- I don't see that it's unethical -- if you can tempt someone, gfi! That was my first reaction to the thread title.... However, just HITTING on her would probably be kinda tacky, yea. I mean, putting the moves on her? Whatever that means. Yea, possibly offensive. But seriously, like any friendship, I think it's all about your relationship, and the nature of this person. Can you have a conversation with her about feelings.... at all? Heck, do you ever talk to her about her sexuality? Yours? Maybe if you don't, just try it as a conversation that isn't about anyone specific, or you and her.... just find out about her journey. I had a male gay friend, pretty close friend, and we would discuss things (there was no sexual tension - obviously a lot easier).... I would quiz him about this girl or that girl, and he would just say "I'm gay! No it doesn't do anything for me!" and laugh. But he was a mellow guy - we could talk about anything. Point being -- try and open up the subject matter of your conversations, and you may get your answer soon enough, directly or indirectly. And you know, maybe if you can't talk about that kind of stuff with her, pretty safe to say she's not interested?

11-14-2009, 11:52 PM	#64 (permalink)
Chumley Upright	Hi to all the TFP regulars - I'm kind of a lurker, trying to work my way outta my shell. A very interesting conversation. Makes me think of all the gays I have known, and the evolution of my understanding of... I don't know, what it means to be gay. My best friend growing up - his mom lived with a woman, they were obviously in a relationship, but it was very cool - they felt like regular parents - this was in the mid-70s. Liberal neighborhood . She (his mom) was very clear about her identity, and boy was it fluid. She basically swung both ways, and went back and forth in and out of long-term relationships with both women and men over the years. So there are people who do that, apparently. Haven't known a whole lot of them personally, but a few. Then I was in a band with a lesbian rhythm section. Interesting days -- we all ogled the women together. One of them was butch, and yea, maybe she woulda sparked a bit if I hit on her. They were pretty .... typical... ? if you can ever say that.... typical lesbians, at least from my perspective... they were insular about themselves, a little, and I don't think I woulda tried (or wanted) to flip them. Another band I was in, the bassist was gay (different lady) -- her girlfriend actually got us a gig at a lesbian bar -- very weird night -- they loved our chick singer, but glared like hell at the 3 guys in the band. Anyway, strangest thing, this lady actually seduced ME one night after a gig -- she said she wasn't switching teams, but wanted to... sample me, as best I understood it. She need gentleness above all, and well that's the kind of guy I am, and I made her feel safe enough, apparently. It was actually really wonderful - we had a very nice night... just once. She shared that she had some early experiences with men that were NOT gentle. This was the only time I kinda wondered if environment could play a big role in changing someone's sexual path/identity. Anyway, to the OP --- I don't see that it's unethical -- if you can tempt someone, gfi! That was my first reaction to the thread title.... However, just HITTING on her would probably be kinda tacky, yea. I mean, putting the moves on her? Whatever that means. Yea, possibly offensive. But seriously, like any friendship, I think it's all about your relationship, and the nature of this person. Can you have a conversation with her about feelings.... at all? Heck, do you ever talk to her about her sexuality? Yours? Maybe if you don't, just try it as a conversation that isn't about anyone specific, or you and her.... just find out about her journey. I had a male gay friend, pretty close friend, and we would discuss things (there was no sexual tension - obviously a lot easier).... I would quiz him about this girl or that girl, and he would just say "I'm gay! No it doesn't do anything for me!" and laugh. But he was a mellow guy - we could talk about anything. Point being -- try and open up the subject matter of your conversations, and you may get your answer soon enough, directly or indirectly. And you know, maybe if you can't talk about that kind of stuff with her, pretty safe to say she's not interested?