The_Dunedan

OK folks, rant time. As many of you probably know, I'm a gun-dealer by trade. I also live in bumfuck, which is inhabited by morons. Bear in mind that while this little "Shuck 'n Jive" is a dance every FFL (licensed dealer or gunsmith) in the country goes through around this time of year, it's getting just plain silly.

Around this time every year, as the opening day of Deer Season approaches, half the male population of the county decides they need to get things set up and ready. The result is an endless parade of entertaining characters. Some are smart, some are dumb, and some are so frighteningly idiotic that I thank God every night for 8 weeks than I don't have to share my woods with them. If I hunted public game lands, I think I'd want an Interceptor vest with all the extras, or maybe a full suit of Dragon Skin (painted blaze orange). The true idiots are few and far between, but they can be genuinely worrisome to the 95% of hunters who aren't stupid, but still have to share the woods with those who are.

1: The Field Artillery: This individual is almost always an overweight, middle-aged yokel with about five teeth and three brain cells. This state of being has nothing to do with drug use of poor dental hygiene, it's because he thinks a 7lb rifle chambered in .338 Winchester Magnum is an appropriate platform for shooting 150lb white-tails from less than 100yds. The resulting recoil has knocked out most of the teeth and brain-cells for which this person might otherwise have had a use.

2: Mr. "Flinch An' A Miss!": Closely related to the Field Artillery, Mr. Flinch is also prone to using hard-kicking rifles. However, because Dear Ol' Dad had the brilliant idea to give him a 7mm Remington Magnum for his 10th birthday, and his choice of calibers has only increased in power and punishment since then, he has developed an enormous flinch. The result is that Mr. Flinch may take as many as half a dozen shots at game less than 100yrds away without scoring a single hit. Mr. Flinch almost always attributes this to the rifle, scope, or rounds he's using, which leads him to upgrade to a more powerful rifle with a more expensive scope and heavier bullets.

It's worth noting that, even when heart-shot by such horrendously overkill rounds, white-tail deer will frequently run for 100+ yards. Hunting a'int like the movies; they don't go over backwards. Sometimes they hardly seem to notice the hit and stroll away casually, only to fall over as if a switch was flipped a few moments later. However, both Mr. Flinch and Field Artillery, convinced that their super-powerful ultra-overkill rifles will simply strike a deer dead in his tracks like some kind of instamatic death ray, will frequently refuse to track or pursue a deer which doesn't fall dead instantly, thinking that anything sort of "BANGflop" indicates a clean miss. The result is lots of wasted meat and lots of happy coyotes.

3: Professor Smallbore: Quite the opposite of the above two, the good Professor prides himself/herself (LOTS of women in this category) on making ultra-precise shots on the spine, brain, or heart (the so-called "Surgeon's Shots) with the smallest legal rounds they can. .204 Ruger, .222/.223, .22 Hornet, and .17 Fireball are popular with this crowd. The only problem you run into with this bunch is that they tend to make Mr. Flinch and Field Artillery feel distinctly inadequate, especially if the good Professor happens to be female.

4: Dan'l Boone: Ol' Dan'l likes to hunt all season long with his muzzleloader. Since this means he usually makes for-sure, close-range shots, he also tends to make Mr. Flinch and Field Artillery feel silly by killing more deer in a week than they do all season. Dan'l's chief difficulties are keeping supplied with powder, shot, and percussion caps or flints. The real fun starts when Dan'l brings in a Brown Bess or Kentucky Rifle and gets into it with...

5: Mr. Wizard: Mr. Wizard is distantly related to Mr. Flinch and Field Artillery, but only through his predilection for constant upgrades. At least every season, sometime 2-3 times PER season, Mr. Wizard will attempt to improve his kill rate by upgrading to the newest, latest, greatest, most high-tech rifle he can afford (and sometimes that he can't afford!). However, since he never actually practices with his rifles (trusting instead to their high-tech magic to do the work for him) he seldom kills anything except at close range, by accident, or by sheer luck. As with his kinsmen, this repeated failure will prompt him to upgrade yet again in the hopes that a more advanced and expensive weapon will cause him to hit his target this time.

6: Boy Wonder: Frequently the offspring of Mr. Flinch or Field Artillery, the Boy Wonder is usually around 10-12 years old, almost always male, and usually vaguely terrified. Dear Ol' Dad, having decided that Boy Wonder is old enough for hunting, has generously provided his progeny with a suitable rifle; say a full-sized Remington Mdl 700 in 7mm Remington Magnum, or a lightweight muzzle-loader which is then loaded with 150 grains of Pyrodex and a 550-grain bullet, ensuring that Boy Wonder will enter adulthood fully cognizant of what being beaten about the head and shoulders with a baseball bat feels like. Boy Wonder frequently makes a kill with this weapon, making Dear Ol' Dad very proud, but will develop Mr. Flinch's signature twitch by the end of the season and may very well go years without killing anything tastier than a pine tree.

7: Tom Beringer: Usually seen in full camo (sometimes a full ghillie suit) even before the season opens, Tom Beringer can frequently be heard alluding to various kinds of military badassery in numerous Third World Shitholes. He (always male) will frequently wax darkly foreboding about is tremendous accurate range, shooting "Hajjis" in "A-Stan" at "1200 meters" with various non-standard weapons, frequently to the quiet amusement of...

8: The Operator: Unlike Tom Beringer, The Operator actually -has- done all sorts of badassed things in Third World Shitholes, and usually has the scars and pictures to prove it, along with the true professionals quiet, competent dignity and lack of flash. The Operator, unlike Tom Beringer, is more than willing to demonstrate his skills for an audience and risk his own money doing so. Having spent -far- too much time wearing such things in far less pleasant environs, The Operator is never seen wearing a ghillie suit, and is frequently among the most successful hunters, since he can make any shot he needs, with whatever weapon is handy, under demanding field conditions.

9: Erzabet Bathory: Countess Bathory is the most common of the female hunters. Competent, voracious, adaptable and mildly bloodthirsty, Countess Bathory will go out of her way to prove herself a superior hunter to any man she doesn't respect (see Field Artillery, Mr. Flinch, Mr. Wizard, and Tom Beringer). She will be awake earlier, stay on her stand longer, track a deer farther, and generally break her back to show up The Menfolk. The biggest, loudest, stupidest arguements in the world break out when she comes to the shop and enounters her arch-nemesis...

10: Oink: Oink, the prototypical Chauvanist Pig, thinks that guns, hunting, and anything remotely strenuous or messy (childbirth aside) are or should be 103% off-limits to "Wimmin," and will frequently make an issue out of it whenever a woman shows up in the shop, especially one who appears interested and is unaccompanied. Snide comments, rude remarks, and occasional "instructions" or "rebukes" are offered gratis when it becomes clear that nobody else is going to "put the wimmin in thur placez." Oink is frequently the subject of much derision by Professor Smallbore, The Operator, and Dan'l Boone because, no matter how much he bitches, Countess Bathory nearly always outshoots and outkills him.

Welcome to hunting season, folks. Next installment, I'll introduce you to all the people you can meet in the woods!