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I have black moods, and a family history (on both sides) of bipolar disorder, with my paternal grandmother having been hospitalised and given ECT in the early seventies when I was a little baby.
My father apparently did not speak AT ALL in the home for the entire six months that his mother was recuperating at our house. I didn't find this out until 20 years later.
Both of my grandmothers developed dementia at the end of their lives. At the time, I remember beign terrified that this might happen to me - the analogy I used to my parents was that they both behaved like they had tuned in to the wrong station, and then lost the remote. It's an image that still frightens me - what if I lose what makes me, me?
When I was 33, my marriage broke down, and so did I.
The self examination and help I got from professionals at that time caused me to realise that I can be depressive, and depressed, but that "being depressed" is not the same as "being miserable". This was a revelation.
In the 6 years since then, I have come to realise that I am also seasonally affected - getting up while it's still dark really badly plays with my mood.
My real problem is that sometimes it takes someone who loves you to tell you that you need to do something about it, and that's certainly true for me - although I know I have this tendency, I still need someone to give me a heads up that I'm stuck in an unhealthy rut.
Recent research has shown that St John's Wort is as effective as Fluoxitine (Prozac) in countering this sort of seasonal depression, and last year I tried it - it seemed to make a big difference, so I think that this year it might be worth trying again.
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Overhead, the Albatross hangs motionless upon the air,
And deep beneath the rolling waves,
In labyrinths of Coral Caves,
The Echo of a distant time
Comes willowing across the sand;
And everthing is Green and Submarine
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