Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community - View Single Post - Anyone here have to deal with a 'prudish' partner?

madli · 10-05-2009, 05:10 PM

I rarely post, still mostly lurking through Kramus' account (I am his oft referred to Lady), but felt compelled to provide input on this topic.

You are describing my situation with the man who is now my ex. He was also both very vanilla and very inhibited sexually. Even in our early 20's, his desire for sex was weekly at most, then declined to monthly in our early 30's and eventually to at most yearly in our late 30's. I tried all sorts of things, taking stripping classes, dressing up, erotica, etc. - he similarly appeared to have no fantasies, couldn't engage in dirty talk, was even uncomfortable receiving oral from me. It did make me feel utterly undesirable and unfulfilled, we talked about it ad nauseum, he would try harder for a bit and then things just reverted. Most people I knew were shocked that it was the man in the relationship who wasn't interested in sex. He always attributed it to differences in our sex drives, but he did masturbate a few times a week - he always hid it from me (despite my suggestion of mutual masturbation or letting me assist him) but I would discover him masturbating and that would always lead to another frustrating "talk" and he would promise to stop masturbating to increase his sex drive, and then things would revert.

I did manage to talk him into going to a sex therapist eventually, but in the end he really couldn't articulate what the problem was. Didn't help that the therapist suggested to him that his preference for masturbation over sex because it was just quicker to get off that way was an act of selfishness. I eventually gave up, focused on other parts of our relationship, particularly our 2 kids (who were essentially immaculately conceived), and everyone around us saw us as the most happily married couple they knew. We never argued, shared goals and interests in life - the perfect, passionless friends through a 19 year marriage.

Until the day he had an epiphany and announced "I don't love you and I need to leave while I still have enough time to find love". I've since done a lot of reading and thinking about love. Sternberg's Triangular Theory of Love resonates with me - Sternberg's Triangular Theory of Love. Consummate love requires a tripod of intimacy, passion and commitment. The structure is unstable if any of the legs are missing. Without passion, intimacy and commitment alone is described as Companionate love and eventually, this leads to erosion of intimacy (Empty Love) and then commitment (Non Love).

I never found a solution for myself and so I don't have one to suggest to you - just thoughts for consideration. With the benefit of hindsight, I think my ex and I were good friends who never in fact had any chemistry and that really was the source of the problem. In fact, only since meeting Kramus have I learned that I'm not actually gay. I wanted sex because I was young and horny, but the truth was I was about as sexually attracted to my ex as I was to woman, and so I always wondered about my orientation. Chalk my not understanding that up to lack of experience. Who knew chemistry was a real thing? I'm just glad I know it now with Kramus (who is almost always good to go, often multiple times a day

). So despite the shock and pain of the end of my marriage, I think in the end my ex did me a favour.

However it happens, hope you're able to get some favours soon.

10-05-2009, 05:10 PM	#21 (permalink)
madli Upright	I rarely post, still mostly lurking through Kramus' account (I am his oft referred to Lady), but felt compelled to provide input on this topic. You are describing my situation with the man who is now my ex. He was also both very vanilla and very inhibited sexually. Even in our early 20's, his desire for sex was weekly at most, then declined to monthly in our early 30's and eventually to at most yearly in our late 30's. I tried all sorts of things, taking stripping classes, dressing up, erotica, etc. - he similarly appeared to have no fantasies, couldn't engage in dirty talk, was even uncomfortable receiving oral from me. It did make me feel utterly undesirable and unfulfilled, we talked about it ad nauseum, he would try harder for a bit and then things just reverted. Most people I knew were shocked that it was the man in the relationship who wasn't interested in sex. He always attributed it to differences in our sex drives, but he did masturbate a few times a week - he always hid it from me (despite my suggestion of mutual masturbation or letting me assist him) but I would discover him masturbating and that would always lead to another frustrating "talk" and he would promise to stop masturbating to increase his sex drive, and then things would revert. I did manage to talk him into going to a sex therapist eventually, but in the end he really couldn't articulate what the problem was. Didn't help that the therapist suggested to him that his preference for masturbation over sex because it was just quicker to get off that way was an act of selfishness. I eventually gave up, focused on other parts of our relationship, particularly our 2 kids (who were essentially immaculately conceived), and everyone around us saw us as the most happily married couple they knew. We never argued, shared goals and interests in life - the perfect, passionless friends through a 19 year marriage. Until the day he had an epiphany and announced "I don't love you and I need to leave while I still have enough time to find love". I've since done a lot of reading and thinking about love. Sternberg's Triangular Theory of Love resonates with me - Sternberg's Triangular Theory of Love. Consummate love requires a tripod of intimacy, passion and commitment. The structure is unstable if any of the legs are missing. Without passion, intimacy and commitment alone is described as Companionate love and eventually, this leads to erosion of intimacy (Empty Love) and then commitment (Non Love). I never found a solution for myself and so I don't have one to suggest to you - just thoughts for consideration. With the benefit of hindsight, I think my ex and I were good friends who never in fact had any chemistry and that really was the source of the problem. In fact, only since meeting Kramus have I learned that I'm not actually gay. I wanted sex because I was young and horny, but the truth was I was about as sexually attracted to my ex as I was to woman, and so I always wondered about my orientation. Chalk my not understanding that up to lack of experience. Who knew chemistry was a real thing? I'm just glad I know it now with Kramus (who is almost always good to go, often multiple times a day ). So despite the shock and pain of the end of my marriage, I think in the end my ex did me a favour. However it happens, hope you're able to get some favours soon.