Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community - View Single Post - Anxiety, depression & addiction... oh my! The mental illness thread.

Raghnar -ITA- · 09-27-2009, 03:20 PM

I had so much problems since the last three years to the begin of this year.
I was very obsessed with studying and research strive for excellence. I don't know why was fixed in my head to give all exams with grade "30 cum laude" that is "over the maximum" degree (probably in USA is an A+ degree) and I piss off every single step done wrong (I mean, if I cannot follow a lesson properly or understood a concept immediatly). Also in my research I was pretending to do everything right on the first shot, that is, in retrospective, quite impossible thing to do because you're the first one on the planet to do it (this is why they call it research) and researching is made of do everything you can do wrong, so the last step would be mandatory right (As Bohr said "An expert is one that made every possible mistakes in a field").
I was very depressed all the time, becouse there was always something I did wrong or I was afraid to do it wrong or whatever, closing me in some sort of authism for hours (sometime days) doing the math, complaing myself to note get the solution before and things like that.

I don't know why, I consciousness KNOW that I was pretending doing the impossible and without a reason, but I was feeling that was the only thing to do to give the best, and the expectation many people put on me was surely over my best (After my undergraduation, with thesis on a new crystals for PET devices, my mom start to think I was be able of inventing whatever I like. When she caught me playing she had used to yell "Don't play, you must be inventing something! You can save lifes and spend times playing!". That was odd... :\ ).
Indeed it was a very dark period, full of depression, anxiety, at the limit of the suicide, but it was also maybe the most creative I've ever had (and maybe I'll ever had); striving so much trying to understand every bit of information made me full of ideas, able to solve difficoult problems, in fact I had the intuition about the core of the theory I'm developing during the past year and I was able to graduate with 30 (A) or better results (only some of them with laude) making me one of the best candidate for a research grant.

I had very much help from my friend (expecially from a good friend of mine) and my girlfried that kept me up and tolerate my crazyness.

Maybe this is one of the example on how a mental distress can be turned in somewhat positive (but not desiderable, trust me).
My subjestion from mine experience is : As soon as you are in the mood, create.

09-27-2009, 03:20 PM	#2 (permalink)
Raghnar -ITA- Tilted Location: Milan - Italy	I had so much problems since the last three years to the begin of this year. I was very obsessed with studying and research strive for excellence. I don't know why was fixed in my head to give all exams with grade "30 cum laude" that is "over the maximum" degree (probably in USA is an A+ degree) and I piss off every single step done wrong (I mean, if I cannot follow a lesson properly or understood a concept immediatly). Also in my research I was pretending to do everything right on the first shot, that is, in retrospective, quite impossible thing to do because you're the first one on the planet to do it (this is why they call it research) and researching is made of do everything you can do wrong, so the last step would be mandatory right (As Bohr said "An expert is one that made every possible mistakes in a field"). I was very depressed all the time, becouse there was always something I did wrong or I was afraid to do it wrong or whatever, closing me in some sort of authism for hours (sometime days) doing the math, complaing myself to note get the solution before and things like that. I don't know why, I consciousness KNOW that I was pretending doing the impossible and without a reason, but I was feeling that was the only thing to do to give the best, and the expectation many people put on me was surely over my best (After my undergraduation, with thesis on a new crystals for PET devices, my mom start to think I was be able of inventing whatever I like. When she caught me playing she had used to yell "Don't play, you must be inventing something! You can save lifes and spend times playing!". That was odd... :\ ). Indeed it was a very dark period, full of depression, anxiety, at the limit of the suicide, but it was also maybe the most creative I've ever had (and maybe I'll ever had); striving so much trying to understand every bit of information made me full of ideas, able to solve difficoult problems, in fact I had the intuition about the core of the theory I'm developing during the past year and I was able to graduate with 30 (A) or better results (only some of them with laude) making me one of the best candidate for a research grant. I had very much help from my friend (expecially from a good friend of mine) and my girlfried that kept me up and tolerate my crazyness. Maybe this is one of the example on how a mental distress can be turned in somewhat positive (but not desiderable, trust me). My subjestion from mine experience is : As soon as you are in the mood, create. __________________ English N00b - Please help if you have time and correct my errors Last edited by Raghnar -ITA-; 09-27-2009 at 03:24 PM..