Moriarty

I am and have been struggling with episodes of strong paranoia. Not sure how to get past it or make it go away. I wrote this one night when feeling "Weird"

Everything is about me. All conversations strangers have. Even friends. They are good at what they do. Wish I could learn that skill. The more I focus on having it the worse it gets. Would like to deflect them without a thought. Hard not to pay attention and turn in inwards. Shakes. It’s not even cold. Then I realize and try to shut it off. Turn the volume down. Hit mute. Button not working. What is the next step. Leave? Days of old, of course. Today, try to sit it out and fight the battle. Knowing I will lose. Do I still continue? I will at least give it a go. Yep, lose once again. Those thoughts are too powerful and feed on all the good ones until they are gone. Then I must throw the towel in, walk away, and sneak off to a quieter place where there are no hungry thoughts. If I travel too deep, I witness what no one else does. Just cause it is dark doesn’t mean my thoughts aren’t. Does the quiet and solitude really work. Sometimes. At least I only have to listen to my words which are not the kindness words, never the less I must do it to get back on track and appear to be “ok”. Now that is something I can do well sometimes. I cannot be the only one to experience this. Not possible. Would I even like to talk to another. They might think I have the skill too. How nice would it be to put a filter in my ears for the purpose of translating to help me understand better or at least know when the bad could eat the good. Do I make them feel weird? Probably, wish I could share with them to help them understand. Would it be understood. Would it be something worth being empathetic for? Are you understanding? Weak minded. Still got some work to do I guess.