warrrreagl

Bill, you made my whole day. Pissy about Appomattox? Why, I never...There's an old joke down here that we could have whipped the Yankees with cornstalks. The only problem was, we couldn't convince them to fight that way.

I remembered when I was in first grade that we had little cardboard clouds hanging from the ceiling, and each cloud had a phrase printed on it. Not, "yes" or "no" or "please." These clouds all said, "Yes, sir" and "No, sir," and "Please, ma'am." If ANY woman walked up to you and asked a question, you had better not dare simply say "No," because you were guaranteed to get a stern glare accompanied by the follow-up question, "No, what?" And the only acceptable answer was, "No, ma'am." Today in the South, we routinely curse the Yankees, but not for the Civil War. We curse them for bringing us soccer, and for expecting us to abandon training in good manners, because it somehow offends them.

Once I got sarted, I couldn't stop. So this is more than you ever wanted to know about the role of good manners in the South.

Manners and etiquette are a way of life in the Deep South, and it is not specific or proprietary to any particular race or socio-economic class. Rich and poor whites and rich and poor blacks are all taught how “to act” in the South. There is a saying in the South that you never know who is watching, and it is very true. Your livelihood could depend on how you act or behave in an unrelated situation from your observer. People have lost promotions, spouses, jobs, etc., because somebody somewhere saw them do something to indicate that they “weren’t raised right.” It is truly a big deal. Employers need to know that a trusted manager won’t decide to pick his teeth while entertaining potential clients for lunch. People who were raised right will know not to do this, but a boss can’t be sure if some other tacky clod will be trustworthy when the time comes. Therefore, your whole career in the South could be in jeopardy and you wouldn’t even realize it was all because one day in the Post Office your boss saw you go through the door while ignoring a lady with an armload of packages. It really is that simple. You never know who is watching you.

Here’s another example: a few months ago, Grancey and I were watching David Letterman and his guest was Reese Witherspoon (from Tennessee). She strode out very gracefully in a stunning black party dress, and she slightly tucked her hem while sitting down and made sure her legs were crossed properly (right ankle over the left and pulled back underneath). She was a vision of elegance. My wife simply said, “You can tell she was raised right.” And that said it all. You don’t have to go to charm school in the South to know how to do these things - you just wake up and your mama starts training you early on. There’s a very good reason why most of the winners in national beauty contests come from the South – they’ve been essentially training for it every day of their entire lives. Every little Southern girl has.

Also, I often hear people refer to “good old boys” in a negative connotation, but it means something different in the South. To a Southerner, a “good old boy” is someone who always holds the door open for ladies, always says “ma’am” and “sir,” always knows not to take the last item from a plate of food, and knows not to ever extend his hand to a lady when introduced.

Etiquette and Good Manners - what they mean in the South:

Men's Wedding Clothing - You'd better believe that Southern women know all about who is supposed to wear what at various formalities of weddings. And there's always somebody's grandmother or aunt who will definitely be the final authority. Now the men may not know what to wear, but why should they? There will always be a woman to make sure they're wearing the correct tux. All of these considerations go into the planning stages of a Southern wedding, and I'm fairly sure that Southern women would drop dead from horror if someone wore the wrong thing to a wedding. Plus, a scourge would be passed onto their entire families, and the "wedding disaster" would be talked about for generations. You think I'm kidding.

Opening the Door - My father slapped me in the back of the head whenever I missed an opportunity to open a door for a lady, so it is more of a self-preservation reflex than anything else. I know that I'm almost 50 and he's over 200 miles away, but he raised me to do that, and so I do. Always, wherever I go, and no matter who it is. Remember, "You never know who is watching you," and although my father might not be around, SOMEbody's father is.

Writing "Thank You" Notes - Oh yes, I have done my fair share of those. Graduation presents, wedding presents, birthday presents, staying overnight at someone's home, going to someone's party, etc. Believe me, you don't want to be the person in the South who doesn't write "thank you" notes, because everyone will know about it, and little pleasantries and niceties will start drying up around you. You will find yourself without presents or party invitations very quickly.

Asking for Gifts - Although the gift registry has taken over, the nicer Southern families still do not do it, because it's - well - tacky. The major glaring exception would be to register a particular dinnerware pattern. That just makes sense.

Leaving at the Right Time - This is definitely still observed in the South. You never leave a party before the guest of honor, and once that person leaves, it’s time for everybody to go.

Arriving on Time - Yes, yes, and yes. There is no such thing as “fashionably late” in the South – it’s considered rude. If you showed up 15 minutes late to dinner at my parents’ house, you got to eat all alone in a separate room from everybody else.

Dinner - The rules of dinner go on and on. No reading at the table, left hand folded on the napkin in the lap while eating only with the right hand, etc. Southern families still eat together unless they're one of those new breeds that allow the children to dictate everything.

Parental Unity - Although I don't remember my folks being ridiculously strict, they were definitely always on the same page when it came to raising us. They never contradicted each other in front of us, and always presented a unified front, because that's what parents are supposed to do.

Friendliness on the Street - Southerners routinely call out to everyone they see (friend or total stranger), and it usually gets us some odd looks when we travel. But in the South, if you DON’T call out in a friendly fashion to everybody, they’ll think something is wrong.

Money – A good Southerner never borrows money from a lady, never discusses money (or the value of possessions) in public, or name-drops about rich people. One of the interesting things about the South is that wealth doesn't always involve money. Southern families are considered wealthy if their family name is an old and respected one. They may own land. They may hold a respected political position (judge, especially), or they may have an ancestor who did. They may have veteran military officers in the family (there's some truth to that old joke about everybody in the South being a "colonel"). There's also a BIG difference between "old money" and "new money." If your family money comes from a couple of generations back, then it's "old money," and its status will never expire. However, if your family has only recently come into money, you may be ostracized as "new money" depending on how you behave, or (as my mother-in-law put it) the “nouveau riche." New money people are never fully accepted on the inside, and someone with a smaller bank account but with "old money" will always be accepted first. You have to earn your way.

As many of you may remember, Grancey and I have a Yankee Bitch sister-in-law, and her daughter is our 19 year old niece. My mother-in-law (my niece’s grandmother) tried desperately to see to it that her granddaughter was "raised right," but the Yankee Bitch always scoffed and ridiculed her for it. She actively blocked any kind of instruction in etiquette or manners, and it horrified my poor mother-in-law. My wife tried to help out, too, but was always sneered at for trying. Now, that precious little girl is 19 and in college, and she is SO FREAKIN LOST that it is pathetic. All around her are girls who were raised right, and they own the right clothes for the right occasion and they know how to behave in certain social settings, and my miserable niece is dead in the water. NOW her Yankee Bitch mother suddenly wants help - she wants my wife to help the kid get a job. However, Grancey refuses to help out now for several reasons. First of all, the time for the kid to start warming up to my wife passed by about 17 years ago. It's too late to suddenly turn on what she thinks passes for charm. And secondly, my wife doesn't dare risk her own reputation with important people around town by dumping such a wretched excuse for a Southern girl on them. My niece would be the one to pick her teeth and belch during a luncheon, and that would reflect badly back on my wife.

See how it works?

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Living is easy with eyes closed.