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Originally Posted by jewels
You make it sound as though you were waiting for someone to choose you. Weren't you somehow involved in this relationship? Most begin with some sort of mutual attraction, a brief getting-to-know-you phase and things began to blossom or just felt right, ya?
This relationship is your choice and the feeling's obviously mutual. If you allow these thoughts to fester, Shauk's right. But you're beautiful inside and out and this is what made him fall for you. Previous relationships are just that, previous.
Confidence and self-esteem is super sexy, so be strong.
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I love all the responses, I meant to reply last night but got side tracked by homework! Jewels, I love the idea of how things have bloomed you're completely right. This thread has really done wonders for my point of view and even the past couple days I've felt better after reading many of the responses.
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Originally Posted by little_tippler
There are two different questions I can answer here, so I'll start by answering the thread title:
What makes me wary of exes is the fact that once there was, in all likelihood, a high degree of intimacy shared between them and my current partner. Unless my partner finished with them after only a short time spent with them, I am likely to not love the ex. The longer they spent together, the less I am likely to trust an ex if they are still a strong presence in my partner's life. Maybe it seems too strong a feeling to have, but I have been in a few relationships where exes were around that way and it grated me though I put up with it...in one case, I got cheated on with an ex. :\
Your second question, relating to your own situation is of course specific to you and your own issues with yourself and with him. Be confident and don't sell yourself short. All of us have to deal with exes at one time or another. Never think he's too good for you. Never tell him that either. Insecurity on that level opens the door to all sorts of trouble. If he chose to be with you, and you chose to be with him, there are strong reasons for it. You are not those girls, and they are not you. Everyone has different qualities and you have to trust that in you, your partner sees something he was unable to find in them. I also have to say that, you are a very sexy, beautiful woman and you should not be doubting yourself this way. You are also intelligent, driven and have a lot to offer...it's not all about the booty.
In relation to this particular ex...forget about her. She has babies and is going to be married. If you get paranoid about it, it will show, and then you may drive him toward her. Let it go and trust him. Your eyes are open...now relax.
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Little Tipper, you're words are just amazing. You're right she has babies, she's getting married and hopefully I won't have to see her until his best friend gets back from Iraq (7 months from now) Which who knows what will happen by then. Today was a much better day for us, mostly because I'm chilling the fuck out about the paranoia.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Crompsin
OP Title Q: Ya know, that part where they start fucking them again.
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Wow, a guy that age who has a relationship distance record of 2 months? Something ain't right.
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Yea well apparently I'm a lot of FIRSTS for him..first to break the 1 month barrier (even though I've told myself the time doesn't matter) first person he said he's ever put before himself and more mushy gushy things etc. Part of me keeps thinking he's going to realize what's going on and rush back into his old trend. After today however I don't think that will be the case. I also think him being in the NAVY for 4 years had something to do with short relationships.
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Originally Posted by Toaster126
It sounds like you are the only one making it negative right now. If you like him, and you trust him, stop introducing negatives into the picture. That will cause you to have a self-fulfilling prophecy, but it doesn't sound like it's what you actually want  |
Definitely don't want self-fulfilling prophecy coming true! I've taken your words to heart.
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Originally Posted by Baraka_Guru
A: insecurity.
This kind of insecurity will often create self-fulfilling prophecies.
Visible insecurity (read: jealousy) isn't an attractive quality. You need to rein it in.
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Working on the insecurity issues. Working out everyday has helped. However I've come to accept that even if I work out 2 times a day everyday I won't ever be what society deems ideal, and I don't want to be. He loves me for how I am and has told me he loves how I strive to improve myself constantly.
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Originally Posted by evilbeefchan
Going through their facebook/myspace/emails and other personal stuff will always lead to jealousy. Seeing all these names and faces you may not recognize with relations that have not been fully explained/disclosed to you will create lots of questions, and these questions can destroy relationships. I don't want to go so far to say it creates paranoia, but sometimes those "what if" questions take a life of their own and run rampant.
It is a lot to do with trust issues, and for most people it is mostly unwarranted. Unless he has a history of dipping back into his ex pool then you shouldn't be worrying over it. If partners can't trust each other then what good is the relationship?
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You're right about the facebook issue. He doesn't have a history of going back to his exes that I'm aware of. He's the kind of person that once it's over usually he doesn't ever talk to the person again except this one girl I don't like for reasons explained earlier.
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Originally Posted by savmesom11
Not only do I agree with this statement 200% but a 'man' (and I use that term loosely) who sees a woman as ruined after giving birth and getting engaged leaves me speechless.....actually it makes me gag but whatever...are you going to be ruined in a few years if you two actually make it that long and start a family?
Regarding your original question: I don't really get jealous of the ex's but there is always that bit of: "Was what they had comparable to what we have" in the back of my mind.
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Let me explain the term ruined. Ruined as in her as a person emotionally, not physically. She got pregnant out of marriage (something he's quite against) and has bounced between many men and pawned off the kid on her parents to raise for the most part.) I suppose the best way to describe it would be he sees her as unattractive with responsibility and other various factors for the path her life has taken. You know writing that made me feel a ton better...
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Originally Posted by CinnamonGirl
Like tip said, it's the intimacy thing. The fact that he (or she, as the case may be) loved someone else, who wasn't you, and all the little things that go along with that. Those whispered words of affection? Yep, she heard them first. And so on.
It's okay, though. She may have been there first, but she isn't there now. And that's the important thing.
I tend to get into the "she was better than me" rut. She looked better, she was funnier, she wasn't as shy, she got along better with his mom... but you have to remind yourself (or, I have to remind myself) that there's a reason she's his ex.
Also, this whole "he picked you" thing... 1) didn't you choose him, as well? Mutal choosing. Yep. And, 2) I think people really underestimate the "they made me laugh" angle. A shared sense of humor will get you through a lot of rough times. Plus, it's more fun during all the other times.
Oh, and one more thing. No snooping! Bad, bad, bad.
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I hate the "she was better than me" rut. I've reminded myself that I get along great with his family, he takes care of me, buys me lunch/dinner a lot, makes sure my cars working and overall treats me wonderful. He's a stand up man with a lot of values I have. I've heard a shared sense of humor can be the essential piece to a marriage. Being able to laugh together about stupid and sometimes ridiculous things can be the cushion to handle various things later on down the road.
I know I stopped snooping on facebook. No reason to. It wasn't helping, just hurting.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Toaster126
Being clingy and needy will drive people running away from you, thus ending the relationships. That enough to make you guys stop being neurotic?
I mean this in the nicest way possible, by the way. |
Yes!