levite

OK, I am so glad you asked this question! First of all, take heart. I have met bunches of people in your situation, and I know that it can seem unbelievably hard to find your way in, and that if you weren't given certain tools, some people just don't know how to open the door for you. Which sucks, and feels bad, and must be ridiculously offputting. And I'm sorry you've found it so. But I want you to know it can be done: you can get in touch with the traditon, and you can find spiritual satisfaction in it. It can be tough, but I have heard many say (and I agree) that it's worth it.

So here's the deal. I won't lie: getting maximum meaning out of Judaism is not always easy, and will always represent effort on the part of the individual. You're going to have to commit to some hard work: I say that up front.

First thing, most important: you've got to learn Hebrew. Now, don't worry, there are things you can be doing while you're learning Hebrew to begin practicing, to begin using the tools of the tradition for your own spirituality. But you've got to be learning Hebrew. I don't know where you live, but unless you're in a rural area, there probably ought to be some options. If you live in a city, then I recommend community college or the local university. If they don't offer Hebrew, which would be surprising, your local synagogues will be able to direct you to where you can find such a thing. But the Jewish tradition is written in Hebrew, and is designed around Hebrew, and Judaism is a system designed under the presumption that Jews will learn Hebrew; and it is next to impossible to get more than a fraction of the totality of Jewish traditional experience without the Jewish language.

In the meantime, second of all, read up. You've got some books, that's good. I can recommend more-- pm me. But also, get the tools of the trade. So, for example, you need a siddur (prayerbook), but you need one geared to learning. Look for a set called the Schottenstein Edition Interlinear Siddur-- there's one for weekdays, one for shabbat and festivals-- and you'll find an accurate translation interwoven with the Hebrew text. If you don't have a Tanakh (Hebrew bible), get a bilingual edition. JPS (Jewish Publication Society) has a nice one for cheap.

Third of all, contact your local synagogues-- don't be afraid to use synagogues of different movements: nothing says you have to commit-- and ask about what kinds of classes and learning groups they have. If they're worth their salt, they should have some classes or learning groups on liturgy, ritual practice, theology, philosophy, and whatnot. If not talk to the rabbi, ask if they would study with you privately. Again, if s/he is worth his/her salt, s/he should be willing, or at least able to direct you to someone of equivalent knowledge who is. Don't be afraid to study. Finally, ask your local Conservative synagogue if they have a learner's minyan (a minyan is a quorum for prayer; a learner's minyan is just that: a service specifically geared to people just learning the liturgy). If they don't have one, ask them why not? Because they should. I say Conservative and not Reform or Orthodox because the Reform movement does not use the traditional liturgy, and the Orthodox movement will not teach you sufficient skills with prayer and prayer leadership because you're a woman, and according to Orthodoxy, you have no requirement to say many prayers, nor can you be a public prayer leader. So that's not really worth your while, but you should learn the traditional liturgy...so that puts you in the Conservative zone for learning prayer liturgy.

Judaism is not always an easy religion, in part because your best usage of it is going to be in vigorous exploration and confrontation of it. Israel, which is our ancient name, means "The one who struggles with God," and that is, in fact, what a practicing Jew does. Judaism is complex. Torah is elusive and full of multiple meanings. Halakhah (Jewish law) is voluminous and intertwined. The many theologies of Judaism range from frustratingly simplistic to frighteningly condemnatory to shockingly transcendent and full of love and compassion, but no theology is easy. Judaism requires effort to make it work, which I think is why so many people these days are giving up on it-- it must seem hard to put in so much work, when you already have so much to do. But as frustrating and paradoxical as it seems, at least know that, if it doesn't get less complex as it goes, it does get easier to understand and follow and reshape.

But to be comfortable with it, to find a comfortable niche in practicing Jewish society, you have to throw yourself into learning, and fearlessly claim the tradition for yourself. Don't let youself be put off by people acting like you should know X or Y, or (God forbid) telling you that you can't ask that question (a rare attitude to encounter among Jews in my experience), or what have you. You are a Jew. This entitles you to question, to dig, to confront, to reinterpret, to reshape-- so long as you do so from a place of learning and education. Which may be in process, I hasten to add-- you don't have to wait to confront until your Jewish education is complete!

Listen, if you don't like the shul (Yiddish for synagogue) near you, try another. Don't worry about movements for now, just play musical shuls and see what grabs you. If you don't like any of them right now, well, that's bad luck, but it happens. I myself don't care for any of the shuls near me right now, and I do most of my davening (Yiddish for praying) at home. It's unfortunate, but there's nothing wrong with it. But that's all the more why you need to learn: because you've got to be your own community when none is available to support you.

Do you have Jewish friends-- either practicing, or interesting in practicing more, like you are? If not, ask about events at your local shuls and Jewish Community Center, and see if you can get some practicing Jewish friends. I'm not saying you shouldn't be friends with non-Jews! I would never say that! But it's key to have some Jewish friends to share Jewish experiences with. Try having some people over for shabbat dinner, and talk about the week's Torah reading. Even if you don't go to shul, make it a habit to keep shabbat, learn the weekly Torah portion. As you begin to learn Hebrew, find some Jewish music, and start learning some songs to sing on shabbat. Don't worry if you're singing alone. I've spent some time living in places where I was the only observant Jew, and I sang to myself on shabbat, and was happy.

While you're learning the formal liturgy, start praying informally. Rebbe Nachman of Breslov, a famous Hasidic master, taught that everyone should just go out into the fields every day and speak to God, pouring out your heart and troubles to God as to a friend. Even if all you can say is: "Master of the World: oy oy oy!" Our liturgy is in Hebrew, and should be learned because it is beautiful and ancient and we are mandated to use it in part. But prayer doesn't always need liturgy, nor does it need to be in Hebrew. Talk to God. Try to feel God's presence. If you meditate, I heartily recommend using that as a tool. Read Jewish Meditation: A Practical Guide, by Aryeh Kaplan, for some good practical background on this. He has some other books that are useful, also. Also, for more philosophical background on this, read Man's Quest For God, by Abraham Joshua Heschel. A lovely little book about the philosophy of Jewish prayer and its experience.

Finally, if you're a twentysomething, you may be eligible for Birthright, which is a program in the Jewish community to bring young people to Israel for a brief encounter tour, as a way of finding out more about your roots, and strengthening your connection to your people and your ancestry. Go to Taglit-Birthright Israel: The Trip, look around, and see if anyone near you is organizing a trip. If not, or if you don't fit the age restrictions-- don't give up. Call them. There's sometimes room for flexibility. But it's a free trip to Israel, and builds relationships, friendships, and an incredible sense of belonging.

In the meantime, to get more practical, to determine some other steps, and to see if I can help you more, PM me, and tell me whereabouts you're located-- maybe I can hook you up with someone who can help. And don't be afraid to ask me more, either publicly or by PM.

And don't settle for feeling left out. There is room for every Jew in Judaism. If that room doesn't present itself, make it, because it is yours by right.

__________________
Dull sublunary lovers love,
Whose soul is sense, cannot admit
Absence, because it doth remove
That thing which elemented it.

(From "A Valediction: Forbidding Mourning" by John Donne)