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Plan9 · 07-13-2009, 07:34 AM

I was married for about 15 minutes once, but I have friends that have been married for a zillion years so I'll channel their groovy vibes.

This "love but not in love" bullshit is total shrink psychobabble. She is what she does, and if she's with you but doesn't feel something... she's still with you. Sure, it's hard to leave people, but the divorce rate shows that its far from rare. I figure she's still with you because she wants it to work out.

I don't like relationship ultimatums anymore. I don't recommend them at all. My experience with them has been total poopoo. Her dropping the "you're losing me" line just rubs me all the wrong ways. Was it a cry for help, a warning, a statement from a concerned lover? It sounds like you were being a responsible husband/father by taking care of the bottom chunk of Maslow's Hierarchy, the chunk that isn't appreciated until it's deficient. It's like, "Sorry, Daddy has to work for a living or we can love each other in a cardboard box. How ya like dem applies?" The important thing is that you realized that the balance of work/family was off and shifted back. She obviously feels hurt by the period of you-weren't-there and I believe you need to focus on that by showing her how much better things are now. You didn't promise her a rose garden, as they say, but you realized how gone you were and made changes because you care.

You're obviously both very committed. You've gotta lotta time together, bro. I think recovery is possible until one person breaks outta the commitment. You banging the secretary or her drinking a bottle of Wild Turkey for dinner during the month of August are probably dealbreakers. As long as the hard exterior crust of trust is there, you can rebuild the emotional soup that is the lovey-dovey stuff. I'd recommend getting her flowers and taking her out someplace nice and saying your bit about commitment and durability.

I think couples get this kinda threadbare because lovey-dovey is hard to come by in These Economic Times (TM) when everybody is treading water in the Practical World (TM). I remember being a callus dick to a partner because I was slamming college plus-plus-plus and really worried about survival numbers (money) and my all-consuming grades. It isn't an excuse, but it's close. And sometimes people just need to "man the fuck up." This "you and me forever" shit is hard. Really hard. It isn't about the good times, it's all about the bad times and sticking to the promise you made a squillion years ago when you got married.

Also: Hope isn't a policy, so make sure you ante up the communication with your wife. As the illustrious Ratbastid often says, "Have you told her what you've told us?"

07-13-2009, 07:34 AM	#2 (permalink)
Plan9 I Confess a Shiver	I was married for about 15 minutes once, but I have friends that have been married for a zillion years so I'll channel their groovy vibes. This "love but not in love" bullshit is total shrink psychobabble. She is what she does, and if she's with you but doesn't feel something... she's still with you. Sure, it's hard to leave people, but the divorce rate shows that its far from rare. I figure she's still with you because she wants it to work out. I don't like relationship ultimatums anymore. I don't recommend them at all. My experience with them has been total poopoo. Her dropping the "you're losing me" line just rubs me all the wrong ways. Was it a cry for help, a warning, a statement from a concerned lover? It sounds like you were being a responsible husband/father by taking care of the bottom chunk of Maslow's Hierarchy, the chunk that isn't appreciated until it's deficient. It's like, "Sorry, Daddy has to work for a living or we can love each other in a cardboard box. How ya like dem applies?" The important thing is that you realized that the balance of work/family was off and shifted back. She obviously feels hurt by the period of you-weren't-there and I believe you need to focus on that by showing her how much better things are now. You didn't promise her a rose garden, as they say, but you realized how gone you were and made changes because you care. You're obviously both very committed. You've gotta lotta time together, bro. I think recovery is possible until one person breaks outta the commitment. You banging the secretary or her drinking a bottle of Wild Turkey for dinner during the month of August are probably dealbreakers. As long as the hard exterior crust of trust is there, you can rebuild the emotional soup that is the lovey-dovey stuff. I'd recommend getting her flowers and taking her out someplace nice and saying your bit about commitment and durability. I think couples get this kinda threadbare because lovey-dovey is hard to come by in These Economic Times (TM) when everybody is treading water in the Practical World (TM). I remember being a callus dick to a partner because I was slamming college plus-plus-plus and really worried about survival numbers (money) and my all-consuming grades. It isn't an excuse, but it's close. And sometimes people just need to "man the fuck up." This "you and me forever" shit is hard. Really hard. It isn't about the good times, it's all about the bad times and sticking to the promise you made a squillion years ago when you got married. Also: Hope isn't a policy, so make sure you ante up the communication with your wife. As the illustrious Ratbastid often says, "Have you told her what you've told us?" __________________ *Whatever you can carry.* "You should not drink... and bake." Last edited by Plan9; 07-13-2009 at 08:35 AM..