Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community - View Single Post - New relationship, how much info is too much ?

Halanna · 06-23-2009, 03:20 AM

Any information you don't feel like revealing is too much. But you have some tools at your disposal.

Humor. Roll your eyes and say, "I've had some doozy dates/boyfriends/relationships, but really I'd rather wait until we are at the 'sharing how we lost our virginity' stage of our relationship to get into all that. It's not that interesting anyway." Then change the subject. If he persists, use deflection, sincerity or your Last Resort.

Deflection. Widen your eyes and say, "Oh, do I have a cheating story for you!" Then launch into an either real or fictional story, funny hopefully. If he persists, use humor, sincerity or your Last Resort.

Sincerity. Kinda scrunch your eyes and say, "I'm really enjoying my time getting to know you. How about we wait for all the "past relationship" talks for a little while. I'd much rather (insert an activity you both enjoy)". If he persists, use humor, deflection or your Last Resort.

Last Resort. Lie. Yes, I said lie. If you tell the truth, explaining the surrounding circumstances and how it happened etc. is going to reveal much more about you than the actual answer of 'yes'. The more you try to explain and justify, the deeper you are going to dig yourself.

So, now you've lied. What do you do? Simply stop thinking about it. It's not a big deal. There are 3 possible outcomes. A) the relationship goes nowhere, you never see him again, so him knowing your personal history as a lie means nothing B) you both fall totally head over heels in love and 6 months or a year later, the opportunity presents itself and you tell the truth, though unnecessary, you do anyway C) you both fall totally head over heels in love and you never reveal the truth.

Is this a life altering lie? No. Does it change who you are as a person? No. Does it change the dynamic of your relationship? No.

I'm all for honesty in a relationship, it's necessary and the foundation of the trust, but don't underestimate the power of wrapping up private parts of yourself and keeping them just there, for yourself. As long as you are true to the person you are with, and don't run around spouting lies every other sentence, a well placed fib will serve you better than spilling your guts.

Where your pitfalls are is any statement by you that leaves him with the only logical reply of "Why?" Saying your uncomfortable answering questions will only lead him to wonder why and that isn't good.

Answering his question with a question is only going to lead him to the logical responses of "because I'm curious, I dunno I just want to know or the simple shrug of the shoulders and I dunno" or worse he may launch into his own tawdry past that you are not ready to hear, it totally changes your perception of him before you've had the opportunity to get to know him thereby giving you information that may scare you off now, but 6 months into the relationship it wouldn't be a big deal.

New relationships aren't necessarily about full disclosure. Be yourself, be the person you are now, in this relationship, not how he perceives you were last year or 10 years ago by you revealing too much.

06-23-2009, 03:20 AM	#12 (permalink)
Halanna Insane Location: Over the rainbow . .	Any information you don't feel like revealing is too much. But you have some tools at your disposal. Humor. Roll your eyes and say, "I've had some doozy dates/boyfriends/relationships, but really I'd rather wait until we are at the 'sharing how we lost our virginity' stage of our relationship to get into all that. It's not that interesting anyway." Then change the subject. If he persists, use deflection, sincerity or your Last Resort. Deflection. Widen your eyes and say, "Oh, do I have a cheating story for you!" Then launch into an either real or fictional story, funny hopefully. If he persists, use humor, sincerity or your Last Resort. Sincerity. Kinda scrunch your eyes and say, "I'm really enjoying my time getting to know you. How about we wait for all the "past relationship" talks for a little while. I'd much rather (insert an activity you both enjoy)". If he persists, use humor, deflection or your Last Resort. Last Resort. Lie. Yes, I said lie. If you tell the truth, explaining the surrounding circumstances and how it happened etc. is going to reveal much more about you than the actual answer of 'yes'. The more you try to explain and justify, the deeper you are going to dig yourself. So, now you've lied. What do you do? Simply stop thinking about it. It's not a big deal. There are 3 possible outcomes. A) the relationship goes nowhere, you never see him again, so him knowing your personal history as a lie means nothing B) you both fall totally head over heels in love and 6 months or a year later, the opportunity presents itself and you tell the truth, though unnecessary, you do anyway C) you both fall totally head over heels in love and you never reveal the truth. Is this a life altering lie? No. Does it change who you are as a person? No. Does it change the dynamic of your relationship? No. I'm all for honesty in a relationship, it's necessary and the foundation of the trust, but don't underestimate the power of wrapping up private parts of yourself and keeping them just there, for yourself. As long as you are true to the person you are with, and don't run around spouting lies every other sentence, a well placed fib will serve you better than spilling your guts. Where your pitfalls are is any statement by you that leaves him with the only logical reply of "Why?" Saying your uncomfortable answering questions will only lead him to wonder why and that isn't good. Answering his question with a question is only going to lead him to the logical responses of "because I'm curious, I dunno I just want to know or the simple shrug of the shoulders and I dunno" or worse he may launch into his own tawdry past that you are not ready to hear, it totally changes your perception of him before you've had the opportunity to get to know him thereby giving you information that may scare you off now, but 6 months into the relationship it wouldn't be a big deal. New relationships aren't necessarily about full disclosure. Be yourself, be the person you are now, in this relationship, not how he perceives you were last year or 10 years ago by you revealing too much.