Hi alterEGO,
Sounds like you are having a very rough time of it right now.
From what I recall, and what I keep reading here, trying to prepare for exams is getting the better of many people.
But that's not the big issue, right? Cos exams will have come and gone and the other stuff, the loneliness, the panic, the feeling like a fake- they all kind of stick around.
My heart goes out to you, alterEGO. I know it's small comfort but I've had every one of your feelings and they lasted for years. It truly sucks when a person is feeling so low that blotting themselves out is a consideration.
Ok, bear with me , becuz, tho' I'm not working for/at TFP, I am a counselor (tho' there are many other people here that may have more to offer you to help) and I can't ignore your situation any more than I could ignore a person drowning.
You need help, hon. You don't have to feel as you do, and if you are as young as it appears you are, cripes, there could be so much ahead of you that this good.
What to do now? For me to suggest, I need more info. I can try to help if you PM me, or you might want to consider some general suggestions, but before that, I need to make a couple more comments.
Even tho' you didn't say it directly, I'll say it. Depression is _NOT_ a weakness. It is not anything you did, or are doing wrong. You don't deserve to feel like this. You _can_ feel better, tho' somehow you are going to have to gather up all your courage/energy and take some action. As they say, the first step is the hardest to make.
You may not need or choose to go on medication- but if you are actively suicidal- like scaring yourself, cos you've got a suicide plan and a way of carrying it out- go directly to the nearest Emergency Department. I did that a number of years ago and it's the only reason I'm here now. It's not the greatest experience, but I got referred to community counseling center- they got on the phone and hooked me up with a counselor. I didn't have any money or insurance and I got decent counseling help for almost nothing.
Depression can be very isolating and it tends to self-perpetuate, i.e. it cycles. It's very hard, once severe depression has taken hold to get free of it, because you have to _do something_ and that takes energy, and depression saps your energy and will. But alterEGO, you did take the time to write and that is doing something to try to get yourself out of this. You need to gather up all your energy, maybe once you finish the exams, to try and help yourself. You deserve so much better than a life of misery.
Sincere best wishes,
DD
Quote:
Originally posted by alterEGO
You know im having exams next week but i cant concentrate for 5 minutes. Really i do want to pass this year otherwise im fucked. Ive been sitting around the house without going outside for the few past days so im terribly lonely at times. Maybe i could conctrate for a few hours if my life was more exiting. But now i just read parts and like 5 mins later i already forgot it cause my mind seems to disrupt me with other things. This may sound weird but if ill put my head blank i surely will have a panic afterwards. I just thought of this to go study later tonight after dinner or atleast some distraction. The bad thing is..i know what's wrong with me, i don't need medication to find friends or people to hang out do i? I have thought to commit suicide a few times, but you know suicide is an easy way out of escaping temp problems i figured. But ive been feeling like this all my life. My life has been full of lies because i tend to lie to get some interest in me...Sigh..I truly feel pathetic about myself sometimes.
Sorry had to rant somewhere.
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