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ratbastid · 04-05-2009, 05:04 AM

You're onto something here, shesus: who we are really IS a function of how we're perceived. Without the changes I want to make in my life being heard and counted on by others--even to the point of asking them to hold me to account--there's very little chance I'll actually make them.

The left turn that can be taken here is to say, well, their perception of me is unfair, and they're jerks who are keeping me down. Look: that might even be "true" (in as much as anything ever is), but holding onto that "truth" guarantees that nothing can change. However, if you can create being responsible for their perception of you whether it's the one you want them to have or not, then YOU'RE the source of it, and YOU can be the source of altering it.

There are people who are confronting real, hard stuff in their lives. Addictions that are way beyond "habit"--things that have become part of the neurochemical inevitibility of their lives, at this point. Continuing to regard them as "a drunk" only guarantees they stay a drunk. lurkette's dad is like this--he was an alcoholic and drug user, and then he quit all that but didn't take 12 steps to do it, so now according to lurkette's mom and her family, he's a "dry drunk". They had to actually make up a new category of human being so they could hang onto their view that he's "a drunk". Even though he hasn't had a drink in 20 years or something. For them, he didn't "do it right", so he's still a drunk, just in denial about it. They know best: he never really put it behind him (cough... 20 years has gone by... but still...) and he could relapse at any time (cough... just like anybody in recovery... no matter how many damn steps they've done...) and he's dangerous to be around and rely on (cough... stuck in the past much?) and they've pretty much completely written him off. He has zero chance with them, because they're in love with their judgment and righteousness about how bad he was in the past. And these are GOOD people, people I LOVE. I'm not putting them down--this is an example of something we all do. But it's fucking deadly.

04-05-2009, 05:04 AM	#4 (permalink)
ratbastid Darth Papa Location: Yonder	You're onto something here, shesus: who we are really IS a function of how we're perceived. Without the changes I want to make in my life being heard and counted on by others--even to the point of asking them to hold me to account--there's very little chance I'll actually make them. The left turn that can be taken here is to say, well, their perception of me is unfair, and they're jerks who are keeping me down. Look: that might even be "true" (in as much as anything ever is), but holding onto that "truth" guarantees that nothing can change. However, if you can create being responsible for their perception of you whether it's the one you want them to have or not, then YOU'RE the source of it, and YOU can be the source of altering it. There are people who are confronting real, hard stuff in their lives. Addictions that are way beyond "habit"--things that have become part of the neurochemical inevitibility of their lives, at this point. Continuing to regard them as "a drunk" only guarantees they stay a drunk. lurkette's dad is like this--he was an alcoholic and drug user, and then he quit all that but didn't take 12 steps to do it, so now according to lurkette's mom and her family, he's a "dry drunk". They had to actually make up a new category of human being so they could hang onto their view that he's "a drunk". Even though he hasn't had a drink in 20 years or something. For them, he didn't "do it right", so he's still a drunk, just in denial about it. They know best: he never really put it behind him (cough... 20 years has gone by... but still...) and he could relapse at any time (cough... just like anybody in recovery... no matter how many damn steps they've done...) and he's dangerous to be around and rely on (cough... stuck in the past much?) and they've pretty much completely written him off. He has zero chance with them, because they're in love with their judgment and righteousness about how bad he was in the past. And these are GOOD people, people I LOVE. I'm not putting them down--this is an example of something we all do. But it's fucking deadly.