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I had some very nice moments with one of my uncles last week in Iceland. His wife, a much-loved woman in our family (who was much better at connecting with all of us than he ever was), had passed away suddenly the week before, after being diagnosed with cancer 2 weeks before that. She was 51, they had 3 grown sons, and they had been together since they were teenagers. He was beside himself with grief. He had also been very close to my father, whom I had never known (died before I was born, also suddenly, when he was 31)... and up until this funeral happened, I had always been a bit resentful of my uncle because he never tried to be close to me, and could never talk to me about my father. I assumed he just didn't really like me much, who knew.
But when I showed up in Iceland, after flying for 2 days from Seattle to be by my family's side, this stoic, reserved uncle did a most extraordinary thing... he walked over to me (he never approaches people; he waits for them to come to him), thanked me very sincerely for coming, and hugged me hard. Another aunt, who had been standing behind us, said that the whole moment was very emotional... I felt him sniffle a bit (he does not cry), and I hugged him back, hard. It was a powerful moment after nearly 30 years of not really having a connection with this man who loved my father so much, and who had almost never said a word to me in my whole life. And I think it marks a little bit of a turning point in my relationship with him. I felt a big gap in my heart begin to close, a little bit.
It reminds me of one of my favorite quotes, from Simone Weil:
"Men owe us what we imagine they will give us. We must forgive them this debt.... I also am other than what I imagine myself to be. To know this is forgiveness."
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And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran
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