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I've always wondered whether I had some form of depression, SAD, or otherwise, because I tend to feel sad or unhappy even when everything is going quite well in my life.
I have quite a dominating mother and she has always made me get up and face the world, not really taking my quitting for a final answer. So I have learned to be strong and to push myself.
Some days I'd still rather stay in bed.
But with age, and a few hard life experiences, I have learned to appreciate life a lot more, I have gained a certain inner peace I did not have before, and am less anxious. I used to say I was a pessimist, but now I tend to think that I look at the positives first. I can't be cheerful and skipping all the time, but I have found that trying harder to feel happy makes the happiness come around eventually.
I also think that getting outside, getting some sun and nature and fresh air, exercise, and healthier eating (with the odd juicy steak thrown in!) make a huge difference to general mood, energy and motivation.
I have never self-harmed, so I think that's a bigger hurdle to get over. I wish you the best of luck dealing with it.
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Whether we write or speak or do but look
We are ever unapparent. What we are
Cannot be transfused into word or book.
Our soul from us is infinitely far.
However much we give our thoughts the will
To be our soul and gesture it abroad,
Our hearts are incommunicable still.
In what we show ourselves we are ignored.
The abyss from soul to soul cannot be bridged
By any skill of thought or trick of seeming.
Unto our very selves we are abridged
When we would utter to our thought our being.
We are our dreams of ourselves, souls by gleams,
And each to each other dreams of others' dreams.
Fernando Pessoa, 1918
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