Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community - View Single Post - Advice concerning a long distance, never have met girl?

dippin · 02-13-2009, 10:21 PM

First of all, I think you need to cool off and think about what you really feel here.

You have said quite a few times that she doesnt really tell you what is going on with her and how she feels. You even go as far as saying she is a stranger who you only trusted "90%" (which is bunk, you either trust or you don't), and that now you trust her because she got mad at you (which is also bunk, trusting is different from keeping one's feelings to oneself in order to avoid a discussion).

At the same time, you have expressed your sadness over the hurdles in your way not in terms of how you want or miss her, but how you want or need being with a girl. For example, when you said you would have to wait a few more months to actually meet her, you framed it as part of your life long wait to have sex, not your wait to meet her ("I guess I'm just going to wait it out again, which I've been doing for the 24 years of life already...)." And in the last post, you framed your disappointment over your recent arguments with her not as part of the difficulties of your relationship with her, but as part of your disappointment at seeing how many guys were with girls while you were alone and so on. Even when defending your interest on her, it was based on how difficult it is to find a girl in your town.

I might be completely wrong here, but it seems like you don't know this girl all too well, and it seems like your frustrations and sadness come not from not being with this girl, but from not being with a girl.

Now, this might not be the case and I might be wrong, but that is how it has come across to me, and so she might be picking up on these things. I would think about how you really feel, and if you really do like her for her, I would be mindful of these things not to give her the wrong impression.

I would also be mindful of how you ask her about details of what is going on with her life. Gently asking to see if she wants to talk about something is good ("hey, hun, I saw that you were sad. Wanna talk about it?" and then respecting her wishes). Pushing her, making demands and emotional blackmail is very, very bad ("if you really loved me, you would talk to me about this" "why didnt you text me if you had time to check myspace" etc)

02-13-2009, 10:21 PM	#33 (permalink)
dippin Crazy, indeed Location: the ether	First of all, I think you need to cool off and think about what you really feel here. You have said quite a few times that she doesnt really tell you what is going on with her and how she feels. You even go as far as saying she is a stranger who you only trusted "90%" (which is bunk, you either trust or you don't), and that now you trust her because she got mad at you (which is also bunk, trusting is different from keeping one's feelings to oneself in order to avoid a discussion). At the same time, you have expressed your sadness over the hurdles in your way not in terms of how you want or miss her, but how you want or need being with a girl. For example, when you said you would have to wait a few more months to actually meet her, you framed it as part of your life long wait to have sex, not your wait to meet her ("I guess I'm just going to wait it out again, which I've been doing for the 24 years of life already...)." And in the last post, you framed your disappointment over your recent arguments with her not as part of the difficulties of your relationship with her, but as part of your disappointment at seeing how many guys were with girls while you were alone and so on. Even when defending your interest on her, it was based on how difficult it is to find a girl in your town. I might be completely wrong here, but it seems like you don't know this girl all too well, and it seems like your frustrations and sadness come not from not being with this girl, but from not being with a girl. Now, this might not be the case and I might be wrong, but that is how it has come across to me, and so she might be picking up on these things. I would think about how you really feel, and if you really do like her for her, I would be mindful of these things not to give her the wrong impression. I would also be mindful of how you ask her about details of what is going on with her life. Gently asking to see if she wants to talk about something is good ("hey, hun, I saw that you were sad. Wanna talk about it?" and then respecting her wishes). Pushing her, making demands and emotional blackmail is very, very bad ("if you really loved me, you would talk to me about this" "why didnt you text me if you had time to check myspace" etc)