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yeah, see i stayed in positions where i wasn't being paid anywhere near what my skill-set-- and somewhere behind that, myself---are worth entirely because, beneath the veneer of ambivalence about the whole academic thing, i really loved the way of life---and because, despite not having much money, i had things rigged up to allow me to steal time and work on things that i really enjoyed doing. and that period, i wouldn't trade for anything because it let me move way outside of the place where i started.
the problem came that when it came time that i really should have let go of it, i didn't know how to do it.
then i found myself hurtling at speed toward a wall, most of which was structured around my having internalized the idea that there was only academic work or failure and by the fact that i had, in fact, been able to transform myself even though i was broke alot.
what i learned from this is that it makes sense to be proactive--if you're thinking that the present situation is not working for you, start the process of moving into something else, even if you've not really made up your mind about exactly where you want to land. this because changing position is a process, it takes some doing, and you learn alot about what you want as you work your way through the process of trying to change where you're at.
these days i run databases. it's a congenial enough space, but mostly it's a good way-station. it's nice not to be broke, and it's nice to have health insurance. i've been putting things into motion to head somewhere past this, but that too is a process that i'm figuring out as i go. it's kind of an adventure.
so i would start things into motion. if it turns out that you need to do more school to make the shift, you'll figure that out as you go.
what i would not recommend is waiting.
the further you are away from *having to* move the less reactive you can be when things start moving.
and while it's a process as well, it is good having to learn what it means and what it implies to have some control over your own life.
staying in a gig that doesn't pay what you're worth and that fills you with ambivalence is not good--you'll perform the ambivalences in ways that you can see and in ways that you can't see.
better to start making a move.
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a gramophone its corrugated trumpet silver handle
spinning dog. such faithfulness it hear
it make you sick.
-kamau brathwaite
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