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levite · 01-11-2009, 05:37 PM

Honestly, I think that you need to do more than just see a sex therapist a couple of times. I think you should enter a longer-term therapeutic relationship.

There's nothing wrong with not having a high sex drive. And some people just naturally have a very low sex drive, and that's simply the healthy norm for them. And if it turns out that this is you, then you'll have to have a serious discussion with your husband about the future of your relationship; with the understanding that if you can't work it out, it's nobody's fault-- this is simply the proverbial "irreconcilable difference."

However, I suggest a longer-term therapeutic relationship because of two things you've said: first of all, and most importantly, that when your husband attempts to engage you in discussion of this issue, you have what sounds like a serious panic attack and bout of irrational negative emotions (guilt, fear, self-directed anger, etc.). Now, perhaps I can't tell from your description, and it turns out your husband is bad at discussion and your panic and negative feelings are a perfect response to his behavior during arguments. But you didn't seem to indicate anything like that from him, and I suspect that your panic and negative emotions are resulting from this issue being a hotspot-- bringing it up presses some kind of major psychoemotional button for you, the nature of which is not obvious, even to you. In other words, this is an issue that cries out for serious psychotherapeutic self-work, not just for your husband's benefit, or to "save" your marriage, but for your own benefit as a healthily integrated individual.

The second thing you said was that you found sex to be like "a chore." And in my experience, people who simply have a low sex drive find it to be something of a harmless waste of time, but not much of a chore, unless it is demanded of them on more or less a daily basis. In my experience, regarding it like a chore either indicates a lack of desire to have sex with the person in question, or that the lack of desire is actually avoidance, in that having sex causes unpleasant issues to be brought up, or evokes unpleasant feelings or memories or associations (conscious or subconscious).

But in any case, I think this is really going to be worth your while to explore seriously. And the fact that you would be working on the issue in therapy might help ameliorate the situation for your husband, also, allowing him to continue to be supportive and present for you.

I was once in a relationship with a girl I loved very much, who had a much lower sex drive than I did (mine is quite high) and it was difficult for both of us. We both spent a lot of time working on our issues, and in the end, we discovered that it wasn't that her sex drive was so low, but that she was in fact a lesbian, and naturally was less than enthusiastic about having sex with me, as I am not a woman. While that was difficult for us to learn, in that it necessitated our breakup, we became much happier people after that, and are still good friends to this day. Hopefully, your situation will be different enough that you will not have to separate, but I do think that you will inevitably end up happier in the long term for figuring out what's really happening with you.

01-11-2009, 05:37 PM	#8 (permalink)
levite Minion of Joss Location: The Windy City	Honestly, I think that you need to do more than just see a sex therapist a couple of times. I think you should enter a longer-term therapeutic relationship. There's nothing wrong with not having a high sex drive. And some people just naturally have a very low sex drive, and that's simply the healthy norm for them. And if it turns out that this is you, then you'll have to have a serious discussion with your husband about the future of your relationship; with the understanding that if you can't work it out, it's nobody's fault-- this is simply the proverbial "irreconcilable difference." However, I suggest a longer-term therapeutic relationship because of two things you've said: first of all, and most importantly, that when your husband attempts to engage you in discussion of this issue, you have what sounds like a serious panic attack and bout of irrational negative emotions (guilt, fear, self-directed anger, etc.). Now, perhaps I can't tell from your description, and it turns out your husband is bad at discussion and your panic and negative feelings are a perfect response to his behavior during arguments. But you didn't seem to indicate anything like that from him, and I suspect that your panic and negative emotions are resulting from this issue being a hotspot-- bringing it up presses some kind of major psychoemotional button for you, the nature of which is not obvious, even to you. In other words, this is an issue that cries out for serious psychotherapeutic self-work, not just for your husband's benefit, or to "save" your marriage, but for your own benefit as a healthily integrated individual. The second thing you said was that you found sex to be like "a chore." And in my experience, people who simply have a low sex drive find it to be something of a harmless waste of time, but not much of a chore, unless it is demanded of them on more or less a daily basis. In my experience, regarding it like a chore either indicates a lack of desire to have sex with the person in question, or that the lack of desire is actually avoidance, in that having sex causes unpleasant issues to be brought up, or evokes unpleasant feelings or memories or associations (conscious or subconscious). But in any case, I think this is really going to be worth your while to explore seriously. And the fact that you would be working on the issue in therapy might help ameliorate the situation for your husband, also, allowing him to continue to be supportive and present for you. I was once in a relationship with a girl I loved very much, who had a much lower sex drive than I did (mine is quite high) and it was difficult for both of us. We both spent a lot of time working on our issues, and in the end, we discovered that it wasn't that her sex drive was so low, but that she was in fact a lesbian, and naturally was less than enthusiastic about having sex with me, as I am not a woman. While that was difficult for us to learn, in that it necessitated our breakup, we became much happier people after that, and are still good friends to this day. Hopefully, your situation will be different enough that you will not have to separate, but I do think that you will inevitably end up happier in the long term for figuring out what's really happening with you. __________________ Dull sublunary lovers love, Whose soul is sense, cannot admit Absence, because it doth remove That thing which elemented it. (From "A Valediction: Forbidding Mourning" by John Donne)