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AndTylerToo · 12-01-2008, 06:31 AM

Hey all, I feel kinda bad about largely only posting when I have some catastrophic issue happening in my life, but at the same time that is when I need all these viewpoints at once.

So ok, some hasty background. This girl, Susan, and I have been best friends since very early on in my Freshmen year in college. I fell for her before too long, and seemingly, she fell for me as well. She was unsure of what she wanted, however, so I waited, and we ended up going through many of the motions of being in a relationship anyway, and were fine with being openly flirty and to all outside observers, we appeared to be dating. Fast forward to late fall-early winter of sophomore year, and she realized and told me that she did not have any romantic feelings for me, and that her confusion was finally over. I, somewhat unsurprisingly, still had feelings for her, and was actually in denial for a good 2 months or so, as it was so sudden and out of nowhere.

She and I stayed friends, but things were without a doubt more complicated. It was also very open between us that I still had feelings for her.
I had a girlfriend spring of sophomore year, but I literally ended it after a week as I realized that my new GF was just being a stand-in for Susan. I even almost said Susan's name to her when we were together. Oof. But yes, finally come to this year, I'm a Junior, and both of us are studying abroad, and it came out through us talking when I was visiting her for a week over a break of mine, that she had hooked up with a couple of guys. Obviously I was hurt, but what bothered me most is that she had continually been lying about things to me. I understand that she has her right to privacy, but the lying started after we had already started talking about it. Over the course of several hours, more and more details came out, that she kept admitting she had lied about, in regards to how many people and what she had done.

This was a little over a month ago, and I had forgiven her for keeping it from me originally, as I would have done the same thing, not wanting to hurt someone, but as time has gone on now, she has admitted to more and more lies, and has even had sex with one of the guys. That is not all that relevant I guess, as it is not the main issue.

What the main issue is, is that after all this, particularly with having insecurities about lying, and when I made it very clear from the inception of our friendship, that truth and communication were very important to me, that I cannot trust her anymore. Her promises about doing certain things often go unfulfilled, and I don't even know if what she is telling me now is the truth, a part truth, or a total lie. My knee-jerk reaction is to just finally take this as an opportunity to not worry about her feelings, but to worry about mine, and I planned to just stop talking to her indefinitely. Not in a childish way, like ignoring her, but if she asks, I will make it clear, and I really just need to not be in contact with her anymore right now. And honestly, I could probably go several weeks to a month without talking to her without her thinking something is up, as she is generally not so great at communication.

After writing all that, I feel that I probably answered my own question a bit, but I would like input on the situation in the vein of, is this too extreme, am I over-reacting, etc. Or anything else you feel the need or want to comment on. Thanks in advance.

12-01-2008, 06:31 AM	#1 (permalink)
AndTylerToo Tilted Location: Ann Arbor, MI	When to end a complicated friendship? Hey all, I feel kinda bad about largely only posting when I have some catastrophic issue happening in my life, but at the same time that is when I need all these viewpoints at once. So ok, some hasty background. This girl, Susan, and I have been best friends since very early on in my Freshmen year in college. I fell for her before too long, and seemingly, she fell for me as well. She was unsure of what she wanted, however, so I waited, and we ended up going through many of the motions of being in a relationship anyway, and were fine with being openly flirty and to all outside observers, we appeared to be dating. Fast forward to late fall-early winter of sophomore year, and she realized and told me that she did not have any romantic feelings for me, and that her confusion was finally over. I, somewhat unsurprisingly, still had feelings for her, and was actually in denial for a good 2 months or so, as it was so sudden and out of nowhere. She and I stayed friends, but things were without a doubt more complicated. It was also very open between us that I still had feelings for her. I had a girlfriend spring of sophomore year, but I literally ended it after a week as I realized that my new GF was just being a stand-in for Susan. I even almost said Susan's name to her when we were together. Oof. But yes, finally come to this year, I'm a Junior, and both of us are studying abroad, and it came out through us talking when I was visiting her for a week over a break of mine, that she had hooked up with a couple of guys. Obviously I was hurt, but what bothered me most is that she had continually been lying about things to me. I understand that she has her right to privacy, but the lying started after we had already started talking about it. Over the course of several hours, more and more details came out, that she kept admitting she had lied about, in regards to how many people and what she had done. This was a little over a month ago, and I had forgiven her for keeping it from me originally, as I would have done the same thing, not wanting to hurt someone, but as time has gone on now, she has admitted to more and more lies, and has even had sex with one of the guys. That is not all that relevant I guess, as it is not the main issue. What the main issue is, is that after all this, particularly with having insecurities about lying, and when I made it very clear from the inception of our friendship, that truth and communication were very important to me, that I cannot trust her anymore. Her promises about doing certain things often go unfulfilled, and I don't even know if what she is telling me now is the truth, a part truth, or a total lie. My knee-jerk reaction is to just finally take this as an opportunity to not worry about her feelings, but to worry about mine, and I planned to just stop talking to her indefinitely. Not in a childish way, like ignoring her, but if she asks, I will make it clear, and I really just need to not be in contact with her anymore right now. And honestly, I could probably go several weeks to a month without talking to her without her thinking something is up, as she is generally not so great at communication. After writing all that, I feel that I probably answered my own question a bit, but I would like input on the situation in the vein of, is this too extreme, am I over-reacting, etc. Or anything else you feel the need or want to comment on. Thanks in advance.