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One of my best friends growing up turned out to be queer (still don't know if he turned out to be bi or gay). When I was about 13, in a fit of depression and sexual frustration, I let him jerk me off. I felt very conflicted about it, because I did come, but I didn't feel comfortable with being sexual with him. But I was conflicted enough that the next time, I let him go down on me, which made me feel similarly uncomfortable. In the spirit of maintaining our friendship, I responded by jerking him off, about which I still remember thinking, "wow, this is just like doing myself, only less fun."
He wanted very much to keep doing these things, and though after that second time, I always refused, and never let him touch me sexually again, he pressured me to keep going, and really wanted to move on to anal. I refused, we quarrelled, and it ended our friendship.
That was pretty much it. In college, I was at a university where it was very, very hip to be gay, and I had several close gay friends who kind of suggested that perhaps maybe I should think about it. I tried: I walked around for a week or so, trying to imagine getting naked with a guy, but always ended up with a fantasy in my head of me and a naked guy, with me very uncomfortably going, "So...how are ya? Looks like things are...looking up...."
I finally figured out that while I love gay individuals very much, and I believe deeply in gay rights, I just don't want to be sexual with men. I'm not ashamed of what I did, but it still makes me a little uncomfortable to talk about.
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Dull sublunary lovers love,
Whose soul is sense, cannot admit
Absence, because it doth remove
That thing which elemented it.
(From "A Valediction: Forbidding Mourning" by John Donne)
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