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Not the last time I fell down, but the most stupid and painful.
This happened on Christmas Eve, 7 years ago.
The family had gotten together for Christmas Eve, lots of food, presents, family, and a whole lotta wine. I was in the process of taking all the loot that my kids scored from the grandparents to the car. While I was down in the car, my brother and sister-in law were out on the deck having a smoke. They didn’t know I was outside. I took this opportunity to sneak up the stairs and get into position. I was 3 stairs down from the landing, in a perfect Ginja crouch (that’s a Giant ninja). I was waiting for the right moment to jump up these three stairs and scare the ever living shit out of my brother and sister in-law. I was sitting there listening in to their conversation when there was a slight lull I struck. The next 2 seconds will go down as one of the most painful and precarious moments of my life.
I jumped. The three stairs, between me and the landing, posed absolutely no problem at all. I made it up to the landing with room to spare. What got me was the landing it's self. It was an older wood deck that is continuously exposed to the elements. My feet hit the slimy deck and then promptly shot out from under me. My large frame then comes crashing down on my posterior. But the pain in my rear was nothing compared to the fear of falling backwards down the stairs, as I slowly tipped backwards. I flailed my arms reaching for anything that might offer me some sort of stability. Luckily I was able to plant my hands on the handrail and the opposite corner to keep this from happening. After recovering and getting myself safely upright and stable, I started to feel the massive thumping that seemed to be growing in my ass. The rest of the night was spent complaining about the pain that was growing in my ass and making sure every one knew exactly how many stairs I cleared before my tragic crash and burn.
The next morning the pain was intense! Now I know what it's like to be the new guy on g-block. My ass was sore! As I hobbled to the bathroom my wife lets out this huge gasp. She told me to look at my backside in the mirror. So I did. From the middle of my hamstring to the top of my but crack was dark purple. It was one massive bruise!
Next stop, the emergency room.
After explaining to the resident what happened and how much I drank, and how one wouldn't have happened without the other. I got my x-rays. Where my tailbone should have been was a bright white cloud. As it turns out, my fall had atom bombed my tail bone. It was almost completely pulverized, nothing but tiny little fragments of bone floating around where my tail bone used to be. The resident then asked if he could stick a finger up my ass. At first I was hesitant, but after he explained that one of those little pieces could have perforated my colon and if infected would kill me, I let him.
The prescribed treatment for a fractured tail bone?
Vicoden
Anti-inflammatory meds
And a stupid looking cushion to sit on.
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Generic Suburban Dad
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