World's King

As you all have read in the past I don’t have the greatest track record when it comes to dating or women in general. I’ve had more significant others since I was 16 then anyone I know. I wouldn’t say I’m a serial monogamist; it’s more that I’m completely co-dependant. So, after being in a very serious relationship for a little over four years, I’m back at the dating thing and as many of you have already read I’m not really good at the dating thing. I don’t get it. Never have. But that’s not the point here…



It may come as a surprise to you that I’m not very good at “ice breakers.” I would much rather walk up to a girl and ask her if she has cute feet. And if not, I walk away. It’s creepy. I know this. But really, when it comes right down to it… that’s all I really care about. So, I found the perfect way to get a girl into a comfortable situation where should would be okay with taking her shoes off. I figured if I could get them back to my house, let them see I’m not a child molester or complete crazy person, we could talk or watch TV and before you know it she has her shoes off and she’s all cuddled on the couch. So when you picture someone cuddled up on a couch what do you see? I see a bowl of popcorn and giant mugs. Whether they are full of coffee, coco, or tea. I prefer tea. And that’s where the pick up line started.


“Do you like hot tea?”


Now, I guess I should explain a little further the feet thing. I’m not a pervert that just likes to look at girl’s feet (Yes I am.) It’s a very important part of my attraction to the opposite sex. So if I meet at girl in a bar or what-have-you and we hit it off. You know… flirting buying drinks, talking, maybe a kiss or two. Whatever. If I’m going to be serious about seeing this girl again, I’m going to have to know about her feet. I guess I’m lucky I don’t care so much about nipples. That would be a lot harder.

Girl #1
So I met this girl through a friend I used to work with. Not really my normal “type” of girl. No tattoos. No piercings. Weird, I know. She was very cute. Kind of bubbly, but in a good way. Not the “dumb cheerleader you just want to stab in the back of the head” way. So we talk most of the night and that was it. I was tired from work and I wasn’t really getting the vibe from her so I let it go. So a few days later I run into at the bar again. I ended up walking her and her roommate home. They go inside and I’m standing in front of their house fumbling with my iPod and bicycle and she leans her head out of a second story window and asks what I’m doing. I respond, “Thinking about you.” Smooth, right? She lets out a small squeal and heads back inside. About a week or so later I happened to be close to where she worked, so I stopped by to say Hi. We made plans to get together when she got off. We had a few drinks. Talked about TV. Now this was just before the second season of Mad Men started and she hadn’t seen the last two episodes of the first season. And guess who owns it? Me. So I ask, “Do you like tea?”

So we’re walking back to my house along the Platte River. The moon is out. It’s nice. We stop to take a rest on a bench. And next thing I know she’s all cuddled up next to me. I lean in and kiss her. Perfect. I’m a fucking God at this point. We walk the rest of the way arm in arm. It’d have been more romantic if I wasn’t half drunk and trying to walk my bike at the same time. We make it back to my house in one piece. I turn on my electric kettle. Yes, that’s right, I have an electric kettle. It makes the “tea” line just that much better. We curled up on the couch, watched a few episodes of Mad Men, made out a little, and yes, she has cute feet. It’s now seven in the morning and I suggest that she just stay at my house. Not at all expecting her to.

Two days later we meet for lunch. And before the food comes she tells me that she kind of already has a boyfriend. Why the fuck would you do that? Now I have to sit here and watch you eat, pretending that you didn’t just brush me off. I believe she said, “You’re a really awesome guy but… “


Girl #2
I had seen this girl two weeks or so before I actually met her. Very cute and very small. More my type. The first night I saw her at the bar I was hammered so I didn’t bother talking her. It wouldn’t have gone over well. The night we met a friend of mine happened to be DJing and after-party. So I asked him to invite her and her friends. So I could show and be the cool guy that knows the DJ. Lame. I know. Well, before I get a chance to introduce myself to her she walks up to me and says, “You could have invited us yourself. Hi, I’m ********.” I’m not so smooth with this one. Her friends leave and it’s just her and I. We talk till about 3am. She tells me that she was disappointed that I didn’t talk to her two weeks earlier. See, not so smooth. It’s at about this point I kind of step up my game a little. Out of no where I kiss her. She goes for it. I half expected to get slapped. Nope. And of course I ask, “Do you drink hot tea?” She fallows me back to my house. I don’t remember what we watched. Made out. Drank tea and ate popcorn. And again around seven in the morning… She realizes that she has to be at work in three hours. We make plans to hang out later that day.

At some point during the next couple of days I really start to like this girl. We get along really well. The sex was really good. She seems to like me in the same way. So really without a talk we end up dating each other exclusively. But she has this friend. We have all dealt with people like this. It wasn’t good enough that the girl I was dating liked me. I had to get her friends approval. What the fuck? I’m not dating her too. I don’t much give a fuck if you like me or approve of me dating your friend. She likes me, she’s happy, be happy for her. It should be that simple. Over the next couple weeks this friend is really starting to bug the shit outta me. She’s telling my girlfriend that I’m not good enough for her. That’s I’m a loser. And I chalk this up to her liking me and being jealous or her just being a flat out cunt. So it goes without saying that her friend managed to talk her out of dating me. I’ve written about this girl before… She’s the “clingy” girl. So as it turns out her friend was the one that put all this in her head. Not that it matters at all now. She has since moved on to someone closer to her own age and maturity level. I’d like to say I was okay with it… but I’m not. I didn’t get a fair chance with this girl.


Girl #3
I was spending a lonely night at the bar drinking away my pain like always. This girl walks in. Not so attractive. Not ugly though. She sits a few stools away from me. We get to talking because she swears she knows me from back in the day. I have no idea who she is. She insists up and down that we have mutual friends. Well, as it turns out we do. But in a small city like Denver that’s not a surprise. I’ve been here my whole life. I fucking know everyone. We get into this really strange conversation about fetishes. We make the bartender really uncomfortable when we ask if he’s ever had his asshole like while getting head. I tell him he should try it at least once… and if he gets really brave tell his girlfriend to stick a finger up there. He walked away. So it turns out that this girl is a stripper. She’s living in New York now but was here for a few weeks visiting her family. But when she told her mom what she was doing for a living now, her mom kicked her out. And all her stuff was still there. Whatever. I’m not really caring about all this. Until she tells me she’s in need of a place to crash for a few days. I listen to her sad story for all of 30 seconds before I tune her out. Mean, I know. But I’m not a caring person.

During the course of the fetish conversation she mentions that she gives the best head that any man has ever had. Well, because of this I forget about the rest of the conversation and I ask, “Do you like tea?” We end up on my couch watching some late night crap television. And of course all I can think about is how I’m going to get my dick in this girl’s mouth. And before I could come up with a good plan she passed out. And I’m sure she has to be awake to give this amazing head so I wait.

The next morning I wake up to a strange feeling in my stomach. I realized what I had done. I’ve given her a place to crash for a few days. I look around my apartment and see piles of stripper clothes. There is glitter all over my bathroom. She’s passed out in my bed, wearing nothing but her underwear. I’m so not happy about this. She’s nice girl and all so I let it go and make us some food. She sits on my couch all day watching TV. At about 8pm she gets up and takes a shower. While she’s been in town I guess she had been stripping to make money that had been stolen from her… I don’t remember the story. I don’t much care.

When she got back to my place after work that night… It happened. I figure she felt bad for moving in and not really asking for permission. And I have to say… Yes, it was the best head I’ve ever had. So I let her stay for a few more days. Until she got back one night and said she had left my front gate key at the club or lost it… she didn’t know. I was fucking livid. But I guess that’s what I get for giving a stripper a key to my place. Well, the next night she came back with the key but had lost her cell phone. When I awoke that next morning she was gone. Left the key, thank God. I haven’t heard from her since. So now sitting in my closet I have a grocery bag full of nasty stripper underwear. Anyone want it?

Girl #4
This one is rather short. But still just as annoying. It was 1:30am. I run up to the bar to catch last call and get one more glass of Jameson in me. Standing next to me at the bar was a pretty attractive girl. Short. Cute Bettie Page haircut. Nice legs. She introduces herself and we head to the patio with out drinks to have one last cigarette before they close the place down. Really nice girl. We hit it off right away. During the short conversation at the bar we find out we have a ton in common. So instead of exchanging numbers and going home, I ask, “Do you like hot tea?” She fallows me back to my place. It had gotten a little chilly and the top of her convertible was stuck down. I laughed. We curl up on the couch with out tea talk for a few hours. I put on the movie Snatch for a little bit of background noise. I get up to use the restroom. And on my way back to the couch she gets up, grabs me and kisses me. Kick ass, right? We make out a little but she has to leave to get up for an early class. I let her barrow a coat because of her convertible top. We make plans to meet up either the next day or Thursday.

She was supposed to call me when she got out of work at like 4. Nothing. Around 10 that night she calls me drunk. Said she forgot about a girl’s night out. No big deal. We text back and forth most of the night. Then she stops. At about 4am she calls me. Says she’s close to my house and wants to cuddle. I tell her to let me know when she gets here so I can let her in. Never shows up. The next morning I call to see if she’s okay. She’s fine. She decided to just go home. We make plans to meet at the bar for happy hour at like 5. Never shows up. And I haven’t heard from her since. So, now I’m completely not interested in getting to know her. I just want my coat back. And to make it worse. I was cleaning yesterday and found a Hello Kitty brush and a shit load a make-up that must have fallen out of her purse. I put it all in the bag with the stripper thongs.




I’m retiring the “tea” line. I believe its run its course.

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heavy is the head that wears the crown