Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community - View Single Post - Ever feel like you're holding the crazy in?

Zeraph · 09-22-2008, 11:45 AM

I sure do. I've woven this elaborate illusion around everyone I know to seem like this calm, collected, clever guy. But when I let down all the doors I'm like this little kid with extreme ADHD.

Speaking of which, genetically I have a lot of predisposition for the crazy. Schizophrenia, ADHD, OCD, anxiety disorder, paranoia, bipolar, and probably a few I'm forgetting. If there's a disorder somewhere I have a (living) family member with it.

I know I have some sort of anxiety disorder, spoken with a neurologist about it and am taking an SSRI. And I probably have a mild case of many of the others, like I can be obsessive-compulsive, but not enough to call it a disorder. I've built up a lot of self-discipline over the years so I've been dealing with it and on the surface I look fairly normal.

Now I wonder if it is healthy to "hide" so much of myself or if it's the only thing keeping me from developing a more serious case of a disorder. What do you think?

My other problem/question is one of work. I'm almost 24, college graduate (since 22) and haven't really worked. The most I've worked is 3 days in a row, and by the end of it I was ready to self-destruct. I felt empty and exhausted. Possibly from holding myself in for so long.

Then of course there's the anxiety any time I've had longer than a week's break from anything. One time I couldn't work for a week because of the car, I couldn't bring myself to go back to work for a month because I kept having panic attacks.

So I don't know what to do. Keep looking for a job where I can be freer and hope that it won't drive me nuts or bring myself to look into the possibility of going on disability.

Suggestions, ideas?

09-22-2008, 11:45 AM	#1 (permalink)
Zeraph Banned Location: The Cosmos	Ever feel like you're holding the crazy in? I sure do. I've woven this elaborate illusion around everyone I know to seem like this calm, collected, clever guy. But when I let down all the doors I'm like this little kid with extreme ADHD. Speaking of which, genetically I have a lot of predisposition for the crazy. Schizophrenia, ADHD, OCD, anxiety disorder, paranoia, bipolar, and probably a few I'm forgetting. If there's a disorder somewhere I have a (living) family member with it. I know I have some sort of anxiety disorder, spoken with a neurologist about it and am taking an SSRI. And I probably have a mild case of many of the others, like I can be obsessive-compulsive, but not enough to call it a disorder. I've built up a lot of self-discipline over the years so I've been dealing with it and on the surface I look fairly normal. Now I wonder if it is healthy to "hide" so much of myself or if it's the only thing keeping me from developing a more serious case of a disorder. What do you think? My other problem/question is one of work. I'm almost 24, college graduate (since 22) and haven't really worked. The most I've worked is 3 days in a row, and by the end of it I was ready to self-destruct. I felt empty and exhausted. Possibly from holding myself in for so long. Then of course there's the anxiety any time I've had longer than a week's break from anything. One time I couldn't work for a week because of the car, I couldn't bring myself to go back to work for a month because I kept having panic attacks. So I don't know what to do. Keep looking for a job where I can be freer and hope that it won't drive me nuts or bring myself to look into the possibility of going on disability. Suggestions, ideas?