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Max:
You say you've stayed "good friends." If I were you, I would ask myself what that means, first. Second, I would focus on "staying good friends." You can't change her. Don't try to change her. It's a waste of your time. If you decide to visit her ( and I'm not necessarily saying that's a bad idea -depending on your mindset going into your visit) don't expect anything out of it other than getting to connect with your ex. From what you've described, the damage done to your relationship takes a long time to heal, and it won't happen with a single visit, and it may not be that y'all can be "together." She started engaging in behavior that destroyed your relationship, and cheated on you while you were on duty. She should be the one wanting to come visit you. I can see advantages to you seeing her in her normal element, in terms of you reaching closure on this situation. However, in terms of building a new relationship, I don't see that happening while she's smoking out every day, and more importantly hanging out with a group of people that make you uncomfortable, engaging in behavior that makes you uncomfortable, and possibly having sex with other guys. All I can say is that I don't see a happy ending to this situation, based on what you've posted. At least not happy in the way I think you want. I think closure would be a happy ending, but that's not what you're hinting at. She would have to make a decision, I think it would involve a lifestyle change for her, and that kind of abrupt change is difficult to maintain, if she was willing to try at all. How comfortable would you be after you went back to your deployment? She would most likely be bored. She'd be smoking herb all day. She'd be hanging out with the guy who is jokingly "keeping the pussy wet" for you. And Goddamn! That's a funny joke. Exactly the kind I would pull on my friend's ex-husband, whom I've (presumably) never met. Jesus, that guy is a real card.
What I'm saying is that if you decide you want to go see her, do it for your own reasons. Do it so you can see how she's doing. Do it so you can see if she's ok. Hell, do it so you can take some downtime, and tell her you're not interested in a bunch of melodrama. You've got limited time while you're on R&R, and you don't want to meet all her friends and have a BBQ. Do it with no expectations of a great reunion, where you settle down to have a fabulous life together. Do it with the expectation that you may be saying goodbye to that period in your life.
Anything else is just gravy. I wouldn't expect too much.
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You don't love me, you just love my piggy style
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