abaya

Are you afraid of flying? Maybe not even in a paralyzing sense, but maybe you get a little worried during takeoff, turbulence, and landing? Worst-case scenarios run through your head?

I've been reading the news about this Spanair crash, right after landing, that happened yesterday in Madrid, Spain. It freaks me out a little bit more than the usual air crash. We were just there, flying on a budget airline between Bilbao and Barcelona--it certainly could have happened to us. The Madrid crash happened at the exact moment in a flight when I feel the most anxiety, and usually hold on to ktsp's hand and reassure myself, "It won't happen to us, it won't happen to us..."

It's been a couple of years since I flew anywhere without him, actually (due to living in Iceland)--and man, I used to be an old hand at flying alone. My first plane trip was before I could walk, and I flew 18-hour international flights to Thailand as a kid, and loved every minute of them. I used to LOVE flying, period... probably up until my mid-20s, I would say.

I had a little more trepidation after 9/11, but nothing severe. In 2005, I flew from coast to coast in the US 7 times, and also flew to Zambia and Iceland from the US--I don't remember feeling particularly alarmed about those flights, either. It was time to read, relax, watch movies, get some work done, and generally chill.

But in the last few years, I have become close to agitated when flying, especially during those first and last minutes of a flight. Usually, I can handle turbulence--but mentally, my mind is racing during those other times.

Every time I hear another news story about a flight (even a small plane) going down during those times, it adds to my anxiety a little bit more. People who just got married, leaving on their honeymoon, when they die in a plane crash. These 150 people flying to the Canary Islands for vacation, something Europeans do every day, and dying just a moment after lift-off. Charred bodies everywhere, 20 children. What were their last moments like? What kind of inescapable terror did they experience?

I dread having to go through this thought process when I fly. I almost feel like I'm gambling with my life every time I step on a plane, these days. I dislike this feeling, especially since I used to adore flying whenever I got the chance. It was one of my favorite things to sit back and enjoy... the power of lift-off, the excitement of touching down, being curled up in a window seat and taking pictures of all the world below me... and I just don't enjoy these things very much anymore. I hold ktsp's hand, and try to relax, and busy my mind until it's all over.

Has anyone else had an increase in your fear of flying, as you have gotten older? Or have you always been afraid of flying, or just never?

EDIT: Upon glancing at the "Divine intervention" thread, I also think that my fear of flying has increased as my religious faith decreased. I used to pray and feel safe/comforted at the beginning of a flight--now, I don't believe anything special is there to save me from harm. I am sure there are plenty of faithful people who have been killed in plane crashes. It's a mechanical failure. It happens, randomly and accidentally, and people die. There is no meaning behind it, nor is there any way of preventing it with prayer. This disturbs me at some level that I cannot express, even though I know it's true.

__________________
And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran