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Cynthetiq · 08-03-2008, 07:33 PM

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View: Should you recycle an ex? After all, he's already on the curb
Source: Chicago Tribune
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Should you recycle an ex? After all, he's already on the curb

chicagotribune.com
USED-DATE PARTIES
Should you recycle an ex? After all, he's already on the curb
By Tracy Swartz

You recycle clothes and plastic bottles, but would you ever recycle a date?

I've never attended a used-date party, where women bring an ex-boyfriend to swap. At these parties, reassurance is the name of the game: The men are all eligible, and each is vouched for by at least one woman in attendance. Essentially, one woman's trash is another woman's treasure.

It's not a new phenomenon, though it appears to be gaining traction in popular culture. Used-date parties were featured in a "Sex and the City" episode in 2000 and a 2002 episode of "Girlfriends," but it's unclear when these shindigs became vogue.

Part of the idea is that your ex knows your quirks and your likes and dislikes, so he or she can effectively help you meet a new mate. But exes are exes for a reason. It didn't work out in one relationship, so why would you let him or her influence another potential love interest?

Maybe I'm in the minority in opposing used-date parties. About 200 people attended one of the parties, also known as a BYOB (bring your old boyfriend), in mid-July at Lumen, a club on the near West Side.

The party, where dates with six singles were auctioned off with the help of their exes, was held to help promote Bravo's new reality show "Date My Ex: Jo & Slade."

On the show, Jo De La Rosa, former star of "The Real Housewives of Orange County," relies on ex-fiance Slade Smiley to help fix her up with a new man. De La Rosa goes on a series of dates, which Smiley secretly monitors on a laptop. And, oh yeah--the potential suitors live in Smiley's Los Angeles home.

As with many dating trends, another TV show, "Sex and the City," helped pioneer the increasingly popular idea.

Charlotte (the one who pined for marriage) hosted a used-date party in Season 3. She even found a potential match, only to lose him to the jealous ex who brought him to the party.

Jealousy is only one concern of these used-date parties. My biggest worry would be: Which ex do you bring?

Do you bring the casual date whom you just didn't click with because he droned on about investment banking or--even worse--waxed optimistic on Notre Dame's football team? Or do you bring your former long-term flame, the one with whom you shared a bed, a Halloween costume and a dream of the future?

On one hand, taking the ex who broke your heart to a BYOB gives you the opportunity to show him you're over him, writes Joanne Kimes in "Dating Sucks: What To Do When Your Love Life Makes You Miserable."

On the other, you could see your ex talk to another girl, get jealous, pull him away from her, throw a fit and ruin your chance to meet a new guy.

Get the scoop

Whichever ex you settle on, Kimes advises that if you attend a used-date party, make sure to quiz the woman who brought the man you're interested in.

What do you ask? How about: Why did you break up? Does he have commitment issues? Is he selfish in bed?

But would the ex be honest in answering your questions? Maybe she would try to sabotage your potential new relationship.

I fear I'd likely be a saboteur if I ever found myself at a used-date party. I'm selfish when it comes to my ex-beaus. I would like (most of) them to be happy, but preferably not in front of me.

Also, there's the possibility that a friend of mine could be interested in my ex. That can be a major no-no. It may be OK for a friend to start a love connection with a casual ex, but there is no way I would accept a friend dating a formerly serious flame. There would be jealousy, the obvious comparisons between the old and the new beau, and too much awkwardness.

Luckily, there are plenty of strangers at these parties. But that may not quell all the awkward feelings. In promos for the show, Smiley admits it's difficult watching De La Rosa flirt with other men. He acknowledges to her that he has unresolved feelings.

Issue hits home

Meaghan Guilfoyle, a Chicago makeup artist, knows all about unresolved feelings. She attended the Lumen used-date party and was (sort-of) auctioned off by her ex, whom she had dated for three years.

Actually, Guilfoyle's ex didn't attend the event, opting instead to rate her on the auction's Web site. He gave her high marks for attractiveness and sense of humor.

"He backed out at the last minute," Guilfoyle, 21, said. "He still loves me. We're just at different places in our lives."

The winning bid was $500, from a guy who's taking her on a date sponsored by Bravo. In all, six exes were auctioned off at the Lumen party, with the money benefiting the Natural Resources Defense Council.

Relationship coach Kira Sabin recently hosted a similar party in Madison, Wis., after watching the "Sex and the City" episode in reruns.

Sabin throws singles events through her company, Get Out There Madison. Thirty-five people attended the used-date party, Sabin said, adding that her roommate found a connection with one of her male friends (not an ex).

"It creates this kind of stamp of approval," Sabin said. "It was a lot easier to get the conversations going because everyone had a story of how they know each other."

I'll pass, thanks. It's hard enough navigating the dating pool, let alone with the influence of a former partner who may or may not have my best interests at heart. I'll leave the former flame fix-up to "Date My Ex" producers. For me, recycling an ex is just a waste of energy.

I don't necessarily want to interact with exes. I only have one ex that I'm still friends with in a very roundabout way. Sometimes it is uncomfortable to be around her. I don't really know or understand why, but I'd rather move on. So, I'd find it awkward to have setup my friend with her. Maybe it's different for girls than it is for guys. I'm not much of a matchmaker, but do like to introduce my circles of friends to circles of friends.

Would you set up your ex with one of your friends?