Mortons, welcome to the TFP! And congrats on your upcoming 10 year anniversary.
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Originally Posted by Mortons
She and I both became what one might call 'radical Christians' in college. While neither of us were virgins, we both wanted to wait again. until married. Well, our reasons for waiting were so closely tied to our perception of our 'faith', that when we 'failed to wait', we carried a burden of guilt that was difficult to let go. We lived in fear of "God's" wrath because we were physically intimate. But, it was the FEAR that really caused us trouble. We were married 6 months after our first sexual encounter. We had sex through all the worry and guilt during our engagement. At times, we would shed tears because we 'knew' it was wrong, but couldn't keep apart.
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Boy, do I remember that feeling well, though I never had sex when I was a "radical" Christian--I lived in fear of all the other boundary-crossing I did, though (French kissing, taking off clothes, dry-humping, etc)--to the point where I couldn't deal with it anymore, and swore it all off. It was just too dangerous a path to walk if I wanted to remain abstinent, or at least that was what I thought at the time. It's a real shame, though, because I do kind of regret waiting so long--I think I could have relaxed and had a lot more fun back then, but I was so damn tense and watching boundaries all the time, that I could never really enjoy the relationship (with someone who was as equally interested in waiting till marriage as I was).
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Originally Posted by Mortons
Fast forward 6 years of marriage (and 3 kids later), that guilt no longer plagues us as it once did. No longer are there questions. We grew up emotionally, spiritually. Looking back, we don't know why we were so troubled and we now wished we weren't and could have enjoyed those times more. Now at soon to be 10 years, we have become more 'universal' in our spirituallity, and have alot more freedom than ever before.
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That's almost exactly how I feel, as well--looking back, I just don't get what the hell was wrong with me, that I had to have such a stick up my ass. My decision to eventually have sex (before marriage) was based on an honest evaluation of where I was with my faith, and what role sex played in that--and I am the type of person that would rather regret doing something (even the wrong thing), than to regret not having tried something at all. And I didn't want to regret wasting my 20s as a virgin, basically. Sounds crude, but that was the truth.
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Originally Posted by Mortons
My advice, figure out how you will be free from fear first before you decide which way you want to go.
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Excellent advice.