abaya

Hey!! Damn, I was at that conference in Spain when this whole convo went down--just came across it now. I don't know if the guy is still reading, or already decided to have sex, but here's my two cents (MSD also covered a lot of my points already, as well as levite):

I was 24 when I lost my virginity, after many years of being a person of pretty intense faith and wanting to wait until I was married. Something happened, though, just before I lost my virginity (and subsequently met ktspktsp, my current husband--and he lost his virginity with me, after being very honest about it at the age of 24 as well)--I decided that it didn't matter to me whether or not I was married, even though I had waited so long already. This was a huge realization for me, but it set the tone for all of my future decisions regarding sex. It just took a heck of a long time to get there... but no one could have ever rushed me to that decision. I needed to take my own time and have people respect that.

Now, I had previously dated a guy who had slept with over 50 women, and after several months of dating and him telling me that he loved me, I still didn't want to sleep with him (nor did I love him)--knowing that he had slept with that many people also freaked me out, since he told me that he might have a disease, as well. I felt it was the right thing to NOT sleep with him, especially because he was so keen on doing it with me--it just didn't feel right to lose it with someone like that.

However, after that asshat, I became good friends with a guy who had only, ever slept with one girl--his current girlfriend, and the one he eventually married--from a Catholic background, though he was no longer religious. And believe it or not, I had never known anyone like that--someone who didn't wait until marriage to have sex, but was very serious, very monogamous, with the person that he decided to have sex with. It was a new model for me, after all my Christian conditioning that once you "lose" it, it's "lost" forever, yadda yadda, the "gift" to your future spouse is lost, you become a slut, etc. Why would I want to be with someone who was going to judge me based on my past? I liked this new model, and I decided that I wanted to adopt it for myself. I decided that I didn't want to wait until I was married to have sex--I was already 24, and I felt like I was wasting my 20s away waiting for some perfect guy (which was most likely never going to happen, given my waning religiousity at the time), and I wanted to be having SEX, dammit! So I decided that the next guy that was serious, monogamous, and committed, would be the one that I would take this next step with.

Of course, as these things go--and many TFP'ers already know this story--I had one crazy spring break down in New Orleans with a few frat boys (it was all very surreal--not my thing at all, but we were all driving down for a waterski camp together, and I got stuck with them in my car)--got shitfaced, blackout drunk and ended up having sex with some random guy in a hostel. Yeah, perfect storm, right? (It happens more often than you think, with people like us.) The decision I made came out of its shell the first chance it got, with alcohol numbing my inhibitions. So, I wasn't proud of myself, but the fact was that I was no longer a virgin.

Aside from the shock of what I had done, I felt free. Really free.

I met ktspktsp not long afterwards, and we didn't wait very long to have sex. I still had to deal with quite a few hang-ups about sex for some months afterwards, as leftovers from my religious era, but the fact that I was no longer a virgin was really what helped me to just move on and not get hung up on "should I wait? should I make him wait?" He was a virgin himself, though not for religious reasons whatsoever--and he didn't care that I had lost it in such a manner. He was just plain happy to be with me, regardless of my history, and he was grateful that I was happy to be with him, regardless of his lack of experience. (We got married 2.5 years later, for the record.)

So, there's my story. Dunno if it's helpful--but I think that if you're with the right person, the question of "should I or shouldn't I?" won't matter. You'll just both want to do it, no holds barred (though yes, make sure you wrap it). If you have some hesitation, or feel that she doesn't respect your virginity, then she's most likely someone that isn't worth your time--but that's just my impression.

__________________
And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran