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After far to many late night bottles of wine, Red decided he would get an earring. Not just any earring, a big, silver loopy ring. The only problem he had, was that he did not know which ear was the "gay ear".
He figured out how to find this information. In downtown Greenville, there was a statue of a pirate, the mascot of the local university. So, he splashed some cold water on his face, and headed on foot to the pirate.
Unfortunately, the sculptor of this particular pirate did not see fit to give him an earring, or even a parrot. Just a scabard, a floofy shirt, and a pirate hat.
Red, not being one to back down from idiotic derring-do, had brought along a beer to keep him in his cups while he researched this "gay" ear dilemma. Upon seeing there was no earring, he swallowed the pint in one mighty chug, and then busted the bottle on the base of the statue.
"I'll cut you!" he yelled at the pirate, whom we will from now on call Petey. "I'll cut you Petey!" exclaimed Red.
It was about this time that the local constabulary took an interest in the situation. Two officers approach Red with tazors drawn. "Back away from Petey" said one of the officers, "and nobody has to go to jail tonight". Red's cognitive functions and gross motor skills were reduced to poop flinging dingo status at that point, so he dropped the bottle, sat down, pissed himself, and passed out.
This posed a problem for the officers. How would they put a pee covered man in their car? More importantly, why would the WANT to put a pee covered man in their car? "Let's just leave him" suggested the first officer. So they did.
Red woke up about at about 9 the next morning with various vulgarities drawn on him in permanent ink. The statue was on a route between Fraternity Row and the school. Red himself had never attended college and couldn't figure out why somebody would draw a penis going into his mouth. He also was quite certain that all of the pee was not all his own pee.
As he headed home, he whistled the tune, "pick yourself up, dust yourself off, start all over again". Which he would. But first, to the grocer for more wine....
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I think the Apocalypse is happening all around us. We go on eating desserts and watching TV. I know I do. I wish we were more capable of sustained passion and sustained resistance. We should be screaming and what we do is gossip. -Lydia Millet
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