noodle

i'd always been bigger than the average girl for my height, around 175 when i graduated high school.
after an ankle injury that took over a year to diagnose and with doctors trying to convince me that there was nothing wrong, that it was all in my head, i found myself miserable and at 220 lbs in 2003.
after they diagnosed the problem and did surgery to repair the stupid thing (i'd been walking on and doing physical therapy on a ruptured tendon that later hollowed out for almost two inches in length) i dropped 20 lbs just from being able to walk again and do things.
i met my current SO a year later and lost a little more.
he broke up with me because of my weight (which i didn't know until several months later).
a few months after we broke up, my mother thought i was depressed and gave me six months at the YMCA.
i dropped to 128 lbs and kinda looked a little anorexic.
i gained about 10 back and was comfortable there, throughout our on again, off again relationship.
until i took depo.
magic 10 lbs.
then i changed to yaz.
another 8.
thanks to seasonale, i've gotten up to 150.
it's not the weight, per se, that bothers me, it's the body fat.
i'm tightening up all over, under all of it.
i hit the gym a minimum of three times a week, used to be six but i started feeling the effects in my joints.
30-60 minutes of cardio and 30-45 minutes of weight training.
burn a minimum of 500 calories each time, used to do 700+ but it felt excessive and i was seeing no results.
eat sensibly, around 900 to 1500 calories per day, lots of whole grains.
haven't lost an ounce in months.
it's very frustrating.
i'm debating a tubal ligation to be able to get off the hormonal birth control.
my SO has been on the same plan until he started BJJ, and he lost 25 pounds and probably three inches off his waist and 8% of his body fat.
he can't understand why i haven't.
he says that all he wants is for me to keep trying.
but he's not attracted to lots of my body, though he swears he loves me.
i'm not to mine, either.
it's frustrating, especially when he thinks i'm "cheating" on my dietary plan or the gym.
rarely, if ever.
it just makes me sad because i do try and i really do think it's the hormones just because of the drastic change within days of changing.
seriously, how else do you gain 7 pounds in 72 hours without changing anything else?



aw crap. that's how important my weight is to me. a whole screen height of diatribe.

__________________