Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community - View Single Post - Post Break-Up Communication: Is It Okay to Write a Letter?

Baraka_Guru · 06-21-2008, 08:06 AM

I'm going to have to detract a bit from what some have been saying and suggest that a letter will work in the right context.

Do not underestimate the power and elegance of written communication, especially if it's handwritten. What one says in writing varies greatly with what one says in conversation. They are two modes of communication that should not be considered an alternative or substitute for each other.

The art of writing letters is all but dead. But it is an art that is powerful nonetheless. Writing itself is. There's a reason why millions of people still write poetry even though I could count on one hand the number of people in the world who actually make a living on it. (A slight exaggeration, but not by much.)

Compared to what we say in person, what we write is a result of private contemplation. To take the time to write a letter is to take your time to reflect on the situation at hand and to go through the effort (which is often excruciating) of putting your thoughts down on paper. One can easily go deeper into the matter this way, whereas conversations don't usually lend the time for such thinking and requires more back and forth. We also tend to put up more barriers and defenses in conversations, leaving us with things left unsaid--things that might have meant something fundamentally important to the relationship. There are things that are better left unsaid, but, conversely, there are things that need to be unearthed from our deepest thoughts. Writing helps us do this.

Writing also leaves us another benefit: a written record of our intimate and carefully considered thoughts. Baraka_Gurl and I have a few of these, and to go back to them always reinvigorates how I feel about the relationship. It brings to the surface things that I might have been taking for granted. Things that were easily forgotten if they were brought up in conversation. Things that would have never been said in person.

When written with great consideration, letters are heartfelt and eternally powerful. But I will stress again, they are not a replacement for what sounds like an essential conversation. Letters have functions that are impossible in conversation, but a constructive discussion has functions impossible to the written word.

But they don't need to be entirely distinct from each other. A letter is a good introduction to your deepest thoughts and feelings, especially if it provides an invitation to talk about them in person. A letter should never be used purely to avoid the intimacy of direct communication. I will say it again: It is not a replacement.

That said, do not be discouraged from writing letters; just be sure to do so in a manner becoming to them. Taking the time to write a heartfelt letter is indicative of how much you care, and if you approach the matter properly, you will connect in ways you may have thought impossible.

* * * * *

EDIT: Oh, I should probably note that I want to +1 grumpy as well. That's a good use of a letter.

06-21-2008, 08:06 AM	#7 (permalink)
Baraka_Guru warrior bodhisattva Super Moderator Location: East-central Canada	I'm going to have to detract a bit from what some have been saying and suggest that a letter will work in the right context. Do not underestimate the power and elegance of written communication, especially if it's handwritten. What one says in writing varies greatly with what one says in conversation. They are two modes of communication that should not be considered an alternative or substitute for each other. The art of writing letters is all but dead. But it is an art that is powerful nonetheless. Writing itself is. There's a reason why millions of people still write poetry even though I could count on one hand the number of people in the world who actually make a living on it. (A slight exaggeration, but not by much.) Compared to what we say in person, what we write is a result of private contemplation. To take the time to write a letter is to take your time to reflect on the situation at hand and to go through the effort (which is often excruciating) of putting your thoughts down on paper. One can easily go deeper into the matter this way, whereas conversations don't usually lend the time for such thinking and requires more back and forth. We also tend to put up more barriers and defenses in conversations, leaving us with things left unsaid--things that might have meant something fundamentally important to the relationship. There are things that are better left unsaid, but, conversely, there are things that need to be unearthed from our deepest thoughts. Writing helps us do this. Writing also leaves us another benefit: a written record of our intimate and carefully considered thoughts. Baraka_Gurl and I have a few of these, and to go back to them always reinvigorates how I feel about the relationship. It brings to the surface things that I might have been taking for granted. Things that were easily forgotten if they were brought up in conversation. Things that would have never been said in person. When written with great consideration, letters are heartfelt and eternally powerful. But I will stress again, they are not a replacement for what sounds like an essential conversation. Letters have functions that are impossible in conversation, but a constructive discussion has functions impossible to the written word. But they don't need to be entirely distinct from each other. A letter is a good introduction to your deepest thoughts and feelings, especially if it provides an invitation to talk about them in person. A letter should never be used purely to avoid the intimacy of direct communication. I will say it again: It is not a replacement. That said, do not be discouraged from writing letters; just be sure to do so in a manner becoming to them. Taking the time to write a heartfelt letter is indicative of how much you care, and if you approach the matter properly, you will connect in ways you may have thought impossible. * * * * * EDIT: Oh, I should probably note that I want to +1 grumpy as well. That's a good use of a letter. __________________ Knowing that death is certain and that the time of death is uncertain, what's the most important thing? —Bhikkhuni Pema Chödrön Humankind cannot bear very much reality. —From "Burnt Norton," Four Quartets (1936), T. S. Eliot Last edited by Baraka_Guru; 06-21-2008 at 08:30 AM..