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Wow, thank you very, very much for that. No one has really ever given me a very well put together review, and you just knocked the ball out of the park.
I have already changed both the descriptions (really, the writing style as a whole) and the names of the Infinity, and I haven't gotten to the point of having to figure out a new name for them. I'm trying to think of something both terribly dramatic but still relatively interesting. I'm sure I'll think of something.
The sex scene is very, very much extended. There's a lot more sex in general, actually. I've added what amounts to a love interest, without it really being as typical as that term would infer, as well as several other characters to add to the Sade-esque deviancy I hope to imbue the story with.
I'm terrible with painting terminology, so thanks for the oil paintings tip. I'll definitely use that.
I have this terrible tendency to just skim over my writing when reviewing it, and I'm guessing that's how I missed both the "suspects" and "frontlines" instances. In all likelihood I would have thrown out both examples in the final draft anyway, but thank you for spotting them.
I also noticed some of the violence being, in my view, sort of stunted. Since the time of writing (which, I'm surprised to say, was about 2 1/2 years ago), I've gotten much more in touch with my inner maniac, so I'm hoping to create some more memorable examples of violence. Though, I do still like killing the guys in the bar with his sort of cock-gun.
I wasn't sure if the Final Note worked or not, so thanks for helping me understand that. I didn't mean for it to be profound, but more around the lines of being a very misguided lesson for Holts, who never learns anything of substance from his experience. I'll either add more to the core story to suggest why he would come to the conclusion, or cut it and figure something else out to end with. The main point came in Black's revelation that Holts was committing the violence by his own will rather than any outside force, so maybe I'll just expand on that.
The reason for the venereal disease is that Crumb wanted revenge on Holts' popularity and general partying behavior, which is primarily focused on sex. So, he takes his hatred out on Holts' cock, via a relatively unknown supernatural entity. In the final draft I have his hatred given a little more emphasis, but I still keep the entity relatively anonymous.
Once again, thank you very much for the criticism and suggestions.
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It's a rare pleasure in this world to get your mind fucked. Usually it's just foreplay.
M.B. Keene
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