HedwigStrange

Alright, sorry it took so long for me to write a decent review. I'll nit-pick my way through phrasing, then I'll address the overall later.

For the first section posted:

Nice Line: "Usually, when a man feels himself pulled towards a woman, it is by his dick." Any female reading immediately dislikes this guy, so your make-Sebastian-an-asshole goal is well established there.

Some of the descriptions just seemed odd - stretching metaphors to get a new image sometimes works and sometimes does not. The moon-as-ripe-as-a-blueberry thing doesn't quite work since Sebastian is narrating and he is striving to look sardonic and world weary rather than romantic. This phrasing also seems awkward: "I could smell the sweetness of her cunt and taste the sexual juices." Sexual juices. Sounds anatomy textbook-esque. If he is completely entranced - maybe he is tasting her nectar. The explicitness of "sexual juices" isn't really necessary with the bluntness of the surrounding language and the gooey sweet of "nectar" would be a better set-up to be plunged into formaldehyde.

While I really like the names Sebastian Holts and Charles Crumb, I don't care for the names of the members of the infinity - the color naming scheme just seems... eh. meh. bleh. In fact, the name "the infinity" is pretty blah as well. I know Sebastian comments on how irritating that name is, but it's so irritatingly stereotypical the acknowledgement doesn't make up for it.

The first sex scene (still in peach phase - no formaldehyde)... I'd like to get in to it more. I felt a little cheated, what with the Disney type fade out right as the lovemaking gets started, then returning hours later. I know it wouldn't add anything to your storyline, but as long as it isn't too in depth it shouldn't be too distracting, and who doesn't like a little explicit sex here and there? Also, we know from the tone of the story so far that bad things are coming, and we figure it has to do with this woman, but leading us away from the trail for a little interlude might heighten the suspense...

When describing the formaldehyde scene... no need to talk about a virgin's fluids. We already know Sebastian is an asshole, so the detail doesn't add anything, and it distracts from the action. Also, some awkward parts: "It immediately sickened me, and I threw up on the white night gown and bare legs of my new conquest.'What the fuck?!' I cried out, vomiting further."
Hmmm. Immediately sickened. It technically means something happened quickly, but it doesn't sound like it. Sickening takes a while. Perhaps "I vomited uncontrollably on the white night gown and bare legs of my new conquest, retching more with each new whiff of the inescapable scent." "Vomiting further" is also oddly proper sounding for the situation. Perhaps he says something "through his vomit" - much more grotesque.

When the monsters emerge from the paintings, it shouldn't be from watercolors, but from thick oil paintings. Watercolors are just too soft and sweet an image for this.

Second Section:

In the first shooting scene: "the grand total was nine living suspects" Did you mean witnesses?

"Mr. Chunk-a-lunk" Meh.

When Holts is fantaszing, he sees scenes from the "frontlines of WWII" - the whole experiments on humans, genitalia drilling, etc. would probably be from the labratories and hidden torture chambers of WWII, not the frontlines. The frontlines would be more with the exploding limbs, rotting wounds, etc. This is so picky, I know, but then, I'm a pain in the ass.

Awesome bit: "...despite my trashed cock and related misadventures." so non-challant, it's perfect. I laughed aloud.

And over all comments:

In general, violent scenes just seemed gratuitous after a while. Maybe that's my girly side being unappreciative of the effort put into the goriness, but... at least if you're going to use violence for shock value, make it unbelievably twisted. Chuck Palahniuk twisted. And I felt that the plot got lost in the blood.

You said that you would be changing chapter 5, which I think would be a good idea. It did feel like a cop-out.
I don't know if the final note was included in your comments on chapter 5, but I wasn't particularly fond of that section. It sounds empty to me. The character is in a cell with some mysterious light (why are we bringing in new mysterious elements at the end of the story? To create mystery, yeah, yeah. But by the end of this, I'm tired and I don't care) and he's pondering about love in extremely vague, pseudo-poetic speak. This phrase gets me: "True love, as I have come to understand it is not a love for a particular fellow human being, but love for love itself." I'm sorry.. it's just... so empty. I think it's intended to sound wise and mysterious and full of meaning, but it doesn't, it sounds like gibberish. Then repeated, changing, elaborate definitions of love. Then token musings about hell and ponderings about loneliness. Then what should be the shocker- declaration of love for the reader. Yes, it sort of makes sense- we, as the readers, have immersed ourselves in Holts' past and present so he should love us, by hid definition, and his sociopathy makes him detest the fact that he could love us, but... I just don't believe it. I haven't seen why Holts comes to his conclusions about the nature of love.

Oh yes, and perhaps I missed it, but was it ever explained why in particular it is that Holts gets a venereal disease instead of some other horrible affliction? Without a very specific reason, it seems constructed just to gross us out.


So, my notes are atrociously negative, but in fact, I did think this was very well written - excellent vocabulary, smooth writing style, and skillful setting of the mood. Most of the problems are just details, and it seems like you already intend to fix some of the larger issues. I look forward to seeing another edition.