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This is what I wrote down as I read it:
The first use of "ass" seemed a bit out of place.
Instead of "said Will," I'd try a different variation, like "Will cooed" or "Will muttered," as a transition into the first bit of dialogue. I started noticing a while back how going through a lot of narration and then dropping straight into "said he/she" is kind of an unpleasant bump in the road. It's better, in my opinion, to smooth everything out and ease the reader into the conversation, sort of how an actual conversation works: say something to get the person's attention, make sure they know they are in the conversation, and as things get underway become more free to say whatever comes to mind.
Spelling error "were the grass was soft"
"The grass was soft, after all." I love that line.
"And the line, classically, went silent." Usually I don't like lines that poke fun at themselves, but this one was nice, cute, and felt like it belonged to your already alternative sort of character.
I definitely got the magical realism of it all. It felt sort of like a Fitzgerald story, if Fitzgerald was a hornier old bastard. I enjoyed it very much, and would love to read more. Hell, your girl demands her own damn novel. Very good show.
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It's a rare pleasure in this world to get your mind fucked. Usually it's just foreplay.
M.B. Keene
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