Echan

I just wanted to apologize in advance if there are horrible grammatical errors I didn't see while typing. My post is mostly a long stream of consciousness. It is a fairly stressful time for me, and letting it all out helps. Scrutinizing my own typing for maximum clarity however, does not.

Well, it's 6 am and there is a stack of papers laying neatly on my desk, there is a n open textbook resting in front of my keyboard while a calculator sits on top of the 400 page Texas Instruments manual. 400 pages? That's pretty thick. It's covered in bookmarks because in Canada everything requires French instructions too. I am using a movie stub to bookmark the index because it lies in the middle of the book. Damn Frenchies. Oh wait, it's actually 5 am. I've been overcome with apathy to fix my clock, but it doesn't matter, time is trivial. I haven't left the house in three weeks, I've breathed nothing except stale air since March.

I stare at my stacks of assignments. They are printed in black ink on plain office paper with the scrawls of fresh blue ink from a Sanford uniball seeping through the other end of the papers. Freshly marked work from earlier this week. It's difficult to summon the will power to go backwards and review old work. I am already behind schedule on my present work and I am going to fall even further behind. I have work in 4 hours before I go to work. No wait, 5 hours. Damn clock. There is a comic con in Calgary, and my employer gave me the last 4 weeks off as a favor, but this is the one big day where every hand is needed. I will lose 8 hours I can't afford to lose to help move boxes across the city. It will do me some good though, I haven't gotten any excercise and I feel like my limbs are falling into atrophy. My energy levels approach an all time low and the change of pace will refresh my mind.

Turning back to the assignments, I load up Google Documents and stare at corrections to my trigonometry assignment. I made mistakes. Again. As I alter the numbers, I see a 396. That's a curious number, it vitalizes my senses and I realize the answer is incorrect. Infact, after double checking the marked work. All the suggested corrections are incorrect on the first page? Placing my palm on my face, I massage my temples. This guy helped me mark 11 assignments. If the first page is incorrect, how am I supposed to know if the other 10 are right or wrong? Why is the struggling student correcting the tutor? I don't have time for this. Don't have time for what? I guess I should start from the start.

My situation:

I just turned 22. I never finished my high school, call it laziness, boredom, or whatever you want to call it. Until you see the value of the work, you can't put blood sweat and tears in and produce quality results.

While I am an adult without a High School Diploma, I am far from a bum. In fact, many people call me extremely intelligent. I hate being called that. I don't want to live up to some false notion of my ability to perform. Quite honestly, my friends are not on my level of intelligence because I never gained the social networks of people my level. Never completing high school means you probably won't have many grad school friends.

I feel that compared to the peers of my mind's eye. I am below average, and lazy. If worked more than 1-2 days a week and didn't skip work so often to travel, I would have a net worth of over 6 digits by the end of 09. Instead, I will likely fall short.

In March, I decided that enough was enough. I was going to move on with my life. I was going to go to a post secondary institution and do the grind I feel I was destined to do. I learned that I needed to produce an English 30-1 and a Pure Math 30 grade to the school. Both of which I do not have and the diploma exams are in June. Did I mention I never did math 10 or 20? Yeah, don't attend a "work at your own pace" high school when you are low on motivation.

By the time I started, it was already Mid March. I have since finished all but a couple trivial loose ends in my English and I am nearing completion of my Mathematics.

I am losing my mind.

I am having such a terrible grasp of Mathematics. I haven't done 10 or 20, I have all these holes in my algebraic knowledge base I am trying to fill and it is HARD. Oh, by the way, I never did grade 8 or 9 math either. I skipped those grades. I am barely getting by with help on my assignments. I am struggling at a 77% average WITH help. I worry my finals will sink my average.

I applied for a combined degree in Finance and East Asian Language Studies. I need an 80% average at the minimum. I am not going to get 80% with Math. I am struggling so hard. I need my current grade of 90% in English to keep the boat afloat. I regret doing such a half assed job on my English assignments. I need those percentage points. If I got more 95%s+ in my essays, I could have gotten as low as a 68% and still been okay. Instead, I will likely need a 75% in Math.

I don't understand why I am working so damn hard. If I just took one more year off. I would be happy. Instead I am miserable. I need to finish before June to maximize my schedule for getting transcripts into school. One more year? I just turned freaking 22. It's depressing. I am so old. By the time I get my MBA I will be like, 28? I don't even want to know. Childhood dreams of growing up a success are fleeting. The notion of working hard and retiring early is gone. Will I own my own house before 30 at this point? Probably not. I wasted too much time.

What's the point of working so hard just to go to the UofC. If I am as prodigious as everyone claims. Shouldn't I aim higher? Where can I even go. My scholastic resume sucks. There is no Stanford for the High School dropout who decided he wanted to get back on the horse. I am not saying I am not good enough, but the barrier is too high given my current situation.

On reflection, going somewhere respected is important to me. I feel like it is an important step upon graduation to skip beyond entry level positions.

Upon further reflection, what is the point? Travel away from home, meet people, make friends, graduate and leave the country, likely never see them again. Are the bonds I might gain from studying locally more important than respect and starting salary? Maybe those connections thousands of miles away are more valuable than just pictures on my facebook account. I wouldn't know. Hindsight is 20... I shouldn't use cliches, I have an English diploma exam coming up.

I've never understood depression. Never understood why people fought for freedom or why the so called meaning of life is so fervently sought after. Why solitary confinement was even considered a punishment. When I see the homeless on the street, I never could understand how they could become so morally battered and defeated that they are unable to rise above the gutter. As I stare at my these incorrect notes on my trigonometry, I think I finally understand why. For the first time in my life, I think I finally understand true feelings of depression, despair, hopelessness, apathy and loneliness.

I am working so hard for the privilege of working harder? Ugh. I question my past success stories, and if they can really be called successful if this is where it has led me. I question my future, if I am so unhappy grinding work now, how am I going to feel when I get in? How am I going to feel if I don't, and the first time in my life I tried to make an honest effort, it wasn't good enough to go to the University of Calgary? They don't exactly have the highest standards.

I just noticed a grammatical error, I should probably put in the header that I apologize in advance. I neither have time nor is it therapeutic to read my work for grammar. Besides, it's 7 am now and I should get back to work. No, wait. It's 6 am. Fucking clock.