"You're so full of shit, your eyes are brown." Ugh, I hated that one.
"Don't assume things. It makes an ass out of "u" and me." Clever Ma.
The funniest ones came from my Grandma though:
"Don't wear socks with holes in them. All the other kids will say 'That Lorraine must be poor. She lets her grandson dress like a bum.'" To which I would reply, "One: The other kids can't see my socks. I wear shoes ($150 Docs to be specific, which breaks the whole poor bit.) Two: The other kids don't know who you are."
"Don't eat butter or chocolate. You'll get zits."
"Eat your garlic. It keeps the vampires away." She was quite serious.
I'm not even going to go into the many things she's advised me about various other races of people. She's completely oblivious to just how racist she is.
And most recently, after meeting a friend of mine:
"Was that girl I met your girlfriend?"
"No, she's a lesbian."
"Why would she want to do that? Men should be with women, and women should be with men."
My grandmother's a lesbian. She's shared a bed with the same woman for over ten years. This made me laugh.
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"The fact is that censorship always defeats its own purpose, for it creates, in the end, the kind of society that is incapable of exercising real discretion..." - Henry Steel Commager
"Punk rock music is great music played by really bad, drunk musicians." -Fat Mike
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