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Originally Posted by KellyC
Thanks for all the help, folks.
One last thing before I submit it, how is the grammar? I may miss some spot but I not notice it.
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Oh, dear lord no. This needs to be edited before you can submit it.
Here, I'll do a quick run-through.
Bill is in his office working when the Mariners game is on. Actually, he’s only half working
; the other half is with the game. He listens to the radio broadcast<strike>ing</strike> of the game on low volume
so as to not disturb his employees outside
(outside is one word, not two), but every now and then an excited “yes”
or a painful “ughhh” <strike>bursts into the room and</strike> leaks out into the suite. It catches the attention of his employees
, but they’re used to it by now. His secretary smiles at his enthusiasm for the Mariners and hopes they’d win
, if not for Bill’s sake then for her co-workers. He doesn’t like it when the Mariners lose, and he shows it.
His office is a miniature museum
, a shrine dedicated to the Mariners. Posters of Mariners
are plastered all over the left wall. On the right wall is
a group photo of the entire team. Various autographed baseballs of Mariners
are scattered on top of his <strike>three-story</strike> book case
(A storey is a feature of a building, not a bookshelf). He’s collecting
(collecting what?), but there isn’t much to his collection
yet; only six so far.
He never asks Mariners to sign the baseballs at the games. (You change subjects very abruptly; a transitional phrase would be helpful) Rather, he always has one handy in case he bumps into any of them in public. That’s how he
“collects.” (Why is this in quotation marks? Is he not really collecting?) This way, he believes, the encounter is more meaningful. He
then goes home to tell his family who he bumped into that day
while they talk over dinner.
(Be consistent in use of tenses. Also, the way you had that phrased made it sound as if Bill is in the habit of having dinner with Mariners players; I assume that's not what you were trying to convey.)
His most prized possession
, however, isn’t a Mariners artifact
; it’s an old and dirty baseball from his son’s state championship game over ten years ago. He was awarded the game ball for striking out the most batters. He then gave
it to Bill and said, “Thanks for your support, dad.” The ball reminds him of the time when he and his family played baseball together. He dedicated every Sunday afternoon for a family baseball game. No work, no business, no interruption. Just some quality family time. But that is all gone now
; only his wife
and the memories remain. (Stating that his children have grown up and moved away isn't strictly necessary, since other clues in the piece imply this; it's not wrong to say it, but the last few sentences weren't flowing very smoothly.)
Don't be afraid of semi-colons! They are your friends and can be used to improve flow. A semi-colon is a bridge that connects to seperate but related thoughts. For example, if I have the two sentences "I have a ball," and "My ball is green" I can connect them together and create "I have a ball; my ball is green."
You tend to write in a series of short sentences. What you really want to do is create a mix of short and long sentences. Too many short sentences in a row give a piece a 'choppy' feel, while too many long ones makes it feel as though there's nowhere to 'breathe.' You should ideally attempt to create a balance between these two extremes.
And in the future, always, always,
always find a peer to edit your work before submitting it. I'm doing this now because I tend to think that if I'm going to help there's no sense in going halfway, but to be perfectly frank it's not our job. You need to make sure you have someone (ideally an English major) who can go over your work for you and help you polish it before submission.
EDIT - Looks like I took too long. Oh well. These were my thoughts, anyway.