I was reading the
Cracked article regarding badass presidents today when I realized that we're all badasses in some way. So I want you to write a brief autobiographical article about how you're a fucking badass.
I'll start.
Apparently I had beaten god in a bare-knuckle boxing match before being born, because he was so butt hurt that he arranged for me to be born without an aorta—the largest artery in the human body—and a deformed bicuspid valve (which was supposed to be tricuspid). Just to spite him, I lived without it until I was about 5, when I decided that a little plastic in my chest wouldn't stop me from fucking the prom queen.
While my aorta meant that I couldn't be on the football team in high school according to a world renowned cardiac specialist , I tried out and made first string anyway just because I decided it might be fun to see just how strong that piece of plastic in my chest was. To give this situation some perspective, Arnold Schwarzenegger just had a bad valve and a perfectly fine aorta, but he stopped playing football at 14 because it was too high impact. My cardiologist found out and called my coach. I had a three way call with them and convinced my cardiologist that as a kicker, I'd be perfectly safe.
Oh, did I also mention that I've broken several bones, none of them mine? Yeah, while I was defying medical science on the football field, I was doing it again by learning martial arts. From UFC legend Ken Shamrock's adopted father Bob Shamrock.
Greatest display of badassery:
This would be a tie between dying for 45 seconds and being hit by a Hyundai Tiburon going 35 mph. The first happened during the installation of the plastic, where I presumably mocked god, and the second happened as I was going to get some Taco Bell. I was walking from my car and got hit. Then I got up and yelled at the guy. Still, those were some delicious tacos.
Most badass quote:
"Relax, have some dip" said by me to a kid I just popped in the jaw at a party when I was 15.