Here is
an excellent summary of the American presidential race. It's from last month so it's a bit out of date, but nevertheless very worth reading:<BLOCKQUOTE>Here's my ill-informed reading of the status of our
national presidential marathon, based on what I've
gleaned from airport conversations and the occasional
glance at Google news headlines:
On the Democratic side of things, Obama isn't such a
bad guy, if we can get him to renounce terrorism and
stop-fathering crack babies, which you didn't hear from
the Hillary camp. Clinton, meanwhile, is being perhaps
a little too feminine on the campaign trail, what with
the cleavage and the crying, though his wife remains
the shrill, cast-iron harpy we've all come to loathe
and fear. John Edwards is dragging his poor sick wife
across the country in a quest to improve health care.
He stands on principle against any hedge fund of which
he's not a partner. The rest of the Democratic field is
a collection of sissies, malcontents, and nutjobs.
On the Republican side, meanwhile, Giuliani is a
polygamist. No wait, that's McCain. Sorry, I meant Fred
Thompson. Mitt Romney? No, he's a hard-working,
family-oriented husband of one wife who stands for
everything that made America great, except that he's in
a Satanic cult. The one-time darling of the
Libertarians, Ron Paul, used to own slaves. Mike
Huckabee, meanwhile, seems to drive Peggy Noonan
apoplectic, which is reason enough to recommend him.
Someone just needs to stop him from channeling Herbert
Hoover. The rest of the Republican field is a
collection of conspiracy theorists, isolationists, and
psychopaths.
As for policy positions, as best I can tell, the
Democrats want to give most of the southwest U.S. to
Mexico, and invite Muslim terrorists to publicly behead
everyone making more than a million dollars a year,
except for Steven Spielberg and George Soros.
Republicans, meanwhile, want to kick anyone with a
Mexican-sounding name out of the U.S., and conquer the
entire Middle East so that Halliburton will have work
after it kills all the porpoises while drilling for oil
off the U.S. coast, which will soon be just east of
Kansas City, as a result of the Bush-Reagan-Hitler
global warming conspiracy.
Both parties are convinced that government is
exceptionally skilled at doing things they want more of,
and entirely incompetent when it comes to things they
don't like. Every candidate is a candidate for change,
using the failed ideas of the past, to create a brave
new world for the children.
Does that about sum it up?