Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community - View Single Post - Marriage and calling it quits after 16 years??

host · 01-10-2008, 11:23 PM

I'm posting from the POV of having experienced divorce twice, first after a ten year marriage, and court approval of a separation agreement with a 9 month old child involved, and the second time, after a ten year childless marriage.

In your case, I think you have to consider divorce as a luxury that will cause you more risk and possible grief than you're currently experiencing. I'm guessing you have not had an opportunity to accumulate enough wealth for it to figure conserving it to be a mitigating factor in any divorce proceeding.

My second divorce was ugly and expensive, my ex-wife intiated it, and shortly after we separated, the estranged wife of an employee at the business my wife and I owned/operated, called me to complain that my wife was involved with her husband. After our divorce, my ex married the guy. It was ten year ago, it was a childless marriage, and legal fees ran into 5 figures. If your wife is cooperative in divorce negotiations...and why would she be? She isn't now, maybe the two of you can build on that to work on preserving what remains of your marriage. If she isn't cooperative, you'll probably be bankrupted by the legal expenses, or aftereward, you will live like you have been, anyway.

If I'm wrong, and you are of considerable means, you can afford to hire an expert divorce lawyer, and you can stop reading here. You will have some leverage to preserve some control over you situation.

If you're still reading, consider that every dollar you spend on a divorce lawyer is a dollar unavailable for maintenance of your kids and the household they end up living in.

In addtion to the checks you write to pay your lawyer, you will be putting your access to your kids and the financial details and obligations involved in providing for them in the hands of a stranger in "the system". The economy we all participate in is headed into the shitter, for at least the next few years. If you think you want out now, how will you deal with an economy influenced interruption or reduction in your income, while you scramble to make impossibly large, timely alimony/child support payments, mandated by a family court judge relying on a formula of X number of dollars per month per child, and by default, awarding custody of your children to your wife, because you don't have the heart/resolve/money to direct your lawyer's dismantling of her reputation/fitness to parent, in family court.

Suck it up, at least until your 13 year old is 18, or surrender your life to a costly, third party process that will take your financial future and your access and relationship with your kids, out of your hands.

When my son was born, the result of an accidental pregnancy after nine years of marriage, I asked myself, can you continue in this marriage until your son is in his late teens? I doubted that I could, and I resolved to end my marriage before my son ever got used to me living with him and his mother. I changed my work schedule so I could spend every morning with him, right through dropping him off to afternoon kindergarten sessions. I attended his little league games, spent weekends with him, welcomed him when he decided to come and live with my second wife and I when he turned 12. in 1984, the family court judge approved our separation agreement stipulating $75 per week for child support, I always paid at least $100.

You won't be fortunate enough to get terms or access like I got. It wasn't easy, even with those terms and no trauma in my son's experience of a marriage ending and a household breaking up.

Unless there are grounds more dire than you have described, I don't think you have fully considered how much of your own autonomy you would be turning over to others, in the process of divorce, and the impact it will have on our kids. Stick it out for five more years, and when you are down to two children under 18, and none under 10, take another look at it.

01-10-2008, 11:23 PM	#49 (permalink)
host Banned	I'm posting from the POV of having experienced divorce twice, first after a ten year marriage, and court approval of a separation agreement with a 9 month old child involved, and the second time, after a ten year childless marriage. In your case, I think you have to consider divorce as a luxury that will cause you more risk and possible grief than you're currently experiencing. I'm guessing you have not had an opportunity to accumulate enough wealth for it to figure conserving it to be a mitigating factor in any divorce proceeding. My second divorce was ugly and expensive, my ex-wife intiated it, and shortly after we separated, the estranged wife of an employee at the business my wife and I owned/operated, called me to complain that my wife was involved with her husband. After our divorce, my ex married the guy. It was ten year ago, it was a childless marriage, and legal fees ran into 5 figures. If your wife is cooperative in divorce negotiations...and why would she be? She isn't now, maybe the two of you can build on that to work on preserving what remains of your marriage. If she isn't cooperative, you'll probably be bankrupted by the legal expenses, or aftereward, you will live like you have been, anyway. If I'm wrong, and you are of considerable means, you can afford to hire an expert divorce lawyer, and you can stop reading here. You will have some leverage to preserve some control over you situation. If you're still reading, consider that every dollar you spend on a divorce lawyer is a dollar unavailable for maintenance of your kids and the household they end up living in. In addtion to the checks you write to pay your lawyer, you will be putting your access to your kids and the financial details and obligations involved in providing for them in the hands of a stranger in "the system". The economy we all participate in is headed into the shitter, for at least the next few years. If you think you want out now, how will you deal with an economy influenced interruption or reduction in your income, while you scramble to make impossibly large, timely alimony/child support payments, mandated by a family court judge relying on a formula of X number of dollars per month per child, and by default, awarding custody of your children to your wife, because you don't have the heart/resolve/money to direct your lawyer's dismantling of her reputation/fitness to parent, in family court. Suck it up, at least until your 13 year old is 18, or surrender your life to a costly, third party process that will take your financial future and your access and relationship with your kids, out of your hands. When my son was born, the result of an accidental pregnancy after nine years of marriage, I asked myself, can you continue in this marriage until your son is in his late teens? I doubted that I could, and I resolved to end my marriage before my son ever got used to me living with him and his mother. I changed my work schedule so I could spend every morning with him, right through dropping him off to afternoon kindergarten sessions. I attended his little league games, spent weekends with him, welcomed him when he decided to come and live with my second wife and I when he turned 12. in 1984, the family court judge approved our separation agreement stipulating $75 per week for child support, I always paid at least $100. You won't be fortunate enough to get terms or access like I got. It wasn't easy, even with those terms and no trauma in my son's experience of a marriage ending and a household breaking up. Unless there are grounds more dire than you have described, I don't think you have fully considered how much of your own autonomy you would be turning over to others, in the process of divorce, and the impact it will have on our kids. Stick it out for five more years, and when you are down to two children under 18, and none under 10, take another look at it. Last edited by host; 01-10-2008 at 11:37 PM..