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ultimately, mm, that's what threw me about being santa claus--that's what i didn't expect.
every time a kid would entirely erase me behind my costume, the main communication that happened was whispered in santa's (and mine) ear (poison-like) and i was clearly supposed to give a secret message in response. that message is what made the turn as santa work, when it did...so it wasn't so much the gifts requested--it was this other thing--the kids would tell santa that they were good and wanted santa to see them in the same way as they were seeing themselves. so the center seemed to be this exchange of fantasies--they each kid was this way, that santa told them they were right because he saw them that way too. it almost didnt matter what else the kids believed about the nexus of commodities, because during the secret message phase, it was about them-as-they-want-to-be-seen.
i found myself----against everything that i think or thought---realizing that that i could give them that moment because i was animating the santa suit.
but it was very very strange as an experience.
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a gramophone its corrugated trumpet silver handle
spinning dog. such faithfulness it hear
it make you sick.
-kamau brathwaite
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